Don't start singing the theme song just yet, there's no Falcor flying at this particular moment. But just wait....I'll get to the singing in just a bit. Promise.
Well my long overdue entry of word puzzlement is in serious need of attention. So I shall remedy this at once. :)
Much has happened in the last months that I have been away....as much always seems to happen in such a small amount of time. But in these past days, it's a distinct change in direction of where I thought I would be. I've grown close to some, and far away from others...I've started new adventures, and ended old ones. Very mind boggling, to say the least. Even I can't quite keep up because it seems that my mind & my feet are on very different levels of speed. I'm sure you can imagine what that might look like on a treadmill of reality, I know I can see someone in a gym running at full speed because the level on the treadmill is way too fast for them to keep up, and then they accidentally push the 'power' button instead of the 'slow the heck down' button, and SHHWWOOM! They go flying into the wall. Yeah, that'd be me. No need for youtube, I can envision it just fine.
I must have a strange sort of heart, I think. The kind that hides itself as best as possible but ends up being very much like an ostrich with the head stuck in a hole. You can't hide it if you wear it on your sleeve. But that's the way it is. Guarded but wholehearted. Friendly but fragile. Utterly strange combination. Much like polka-dots and stripes....it is what it is. But at least I appreciate bold patterns:)
I wish very much that friendships didn't seem to have seasons and people could remain as close tomorrow as they felt yesterday. But people move away or hurts fling across the room like pies in the face (minus the Stooges) and life whirls on by without so much as a hiccup. To understand that things happen out of your control is obviously a good thing, but it doesn't seem to make it one bit easier. Not even a kasmidgeon. (I'm almost sure that's a word.)
My defense through the pie throwing, friend departing times is to hide my heart....in the ostrich hole....and try not to allow myself to get so close next time. Doesn't work, mind you, but the plan is mapped out and the attempt is made with genuine gusto. Maybe with even a little 'tude thrown in there. It's not a good defense, I know, but I run out of options and get terribly discouraged about it all.....wondering what went wrong...if I threw a pie with an especially tart lemon meringue that may have left a bad aftertaste. You know, just the normal things everyone thinks about. But it's still so puzzling.
Within this short time period that has tried to sprint ahead and left me with no 'slow the heck down' button, I have felt the absence of a most dear friend, indeed. It's truly a tricky subject to speak of, and so I refrain from speaking of it at all in any detail with anyone. Normally it would help to speak about things out loud in order to fully let go of any hurts and understand what may have occurred, but not in this particular instance. I'm completely speechless. I guess you're wondering how speechless I could possibly be if I've already given a few sizable 'mini-graphs' on the matter. But I seem to travel through the whole maze before I actually reach the center....so I haven't arrived at the core of it just yet. Hence the reason to refrain from the theme song.
With this most dear friend, I tried to hide my heart even more so than any other time. Of course, you know how that goes....that's when you give your heart away the most. A cruel irony, I should think. And so it happened with me, the heart was given...the pies were flown, and now I stand here with no heart, no clue as to what happened, and an entirely unflattering splatter of meringue all over my face. *Sigh*
What can be done in this circumstance? Nothing. Can I build a ship to sail across my sea of a thousand tears and never return to the hurts I feel? Not when the biggest thing you've built is a chair that comes in 5 easy pieces to snap together right out of the box, and even then, you always worry what will happen when you sit down. So here I am, standing in this little spot thinking of all these odd things and wondering how long I'll be here before I can move to the next spot.
It's normal for me to just go right on with life, maybe move around a bit (as gypsies tend to do.) But this is one time I can't move. I don't have the ability to get out of this one, though I will continue to live life as fully as possible where I am. It's rather surprising to find that this a circumstance I have to wait on in a different way than I have before. I have to wait on the Lord to release me from this and give me the ability to go where He wants me to go. It's an unknown territory for me to be in.....realizing that things are not completed here and I must wait to see what He will do to bring them back around. I don't know what all this will mean, I just know that my heart is not moving on for some reason and He's told me to hold on.
So I'm waiting now......in a new way. The heart-train has stopped and is waiting for the Conductor to blow the whistle so we can chug back along these ever winding tracks. Very curious.
I suppose this is where my story ends for the moment......or does it? *Feel free to insert the theme song here while looking up in the sky for Falcor* Falcooooooor!!! Faaallcoooorr!!!
I'm sorry, but it had to be done. You just can't look for him without screaming the name, it's just a given. ;)
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
-Psalm 37:4
