The Broken Samaritan

After taking a break from blogging, I've decided to venture back into the random waters of my thoughts to sort through experiences. Writing tends to be a therapeutic source to vocalize my random thoughts and feelings to release them, with the hope that anything I may share might somehow encourage another person walking in the same situation. So here I go...

As you walk through life, you notice a commonality that everyone shares: relationships. We all have relationships in our lives, whether good or bad, it is something we all experience. Could be distant relationships that never became close, could be close but became distant, or could be lifelong and unwavering. Everyone has experienced relationships in some format in their lifetime. Unfortunately, the vast majority of us have experienced more of the bad than the good kind of relationship. To those of you who have this frustration, I hope this post can be of some encouragement. To those who have been blessed to say they have experienced more of the good, I hope this post sheds some light on how to respond in love to those who are walking through brokenness.

One relationship that is simply overflowing with experiences and hurt concerns my biological father. His plotting to take my mother's life many times over and weaving lies for many years behind closed doors is not something I can easily share with others, because frankly, it freaks people out. Don't worry, it freaked me out too. Escaping a life threatening circumstance, being stalked, being harassed, being disowned, the list goes on and on. There were many years of trauma and flashbacks I had to walk through but found difficult to explain. This person who inflicted so much pain was supposed to care for me, protect me, love me. Why did he want to crush me? The devastation was deep.

Another relationship that overflows with years of experience concerns that of a former love. My guarded heart completely loved and trusted a person who I was in a relationship with for a long time. Unfortunately, the moment of true vulnerability in sharing my desire to proceed to the next step of marriage was met with the gut-wrenching confession that someone was never in love with me. The person who inflicted this pain had pursued me, confessed his love, spoke of family and future with me many times before. Why did he want to crush me? The devastation was deep.

Like the story of a bruised and crushed traveler left for dead, I can see the analogy of the Good Samaritan in many circumstances:

• When I was bruised and crushed from my father, some people walked by and said we should go back and continue to live with him. After all, if he had wanted to kill us, he would have, right? Some others said, "Oh that's horrible! I hope everything works out! This is very interesting, keep us posted!" 
• When I was bruised and crushed from my former love, some people said, "Things happen! It's life!" While others said, "You shouldn't deal with this alone! I'm super busy, but definitely don't be alone!"

Now this describes a few of the people I know, but not all. I do have those 'treasures' in my life who are sources of encouragement and love. To those of you who have spoken life to me during those hard times, I pray such big blessings over you for extending love. To those who may have responded in a poor way, I understand that responding to something 'heavy' in a person's life is awkward and that you may have meant well. Hopefully, this will help you see a better way to speak the encouragement you may have meant to vocalize.

Here is the Samaritan in every broken story I have experience - Jesus. He has not only been the 'Samaritan' who picked me up, He is the Healer of my deepest hurts. Even the hurts that aren't easy to vocalize and still cause physical aches in my heart when painful memories pop up, Jesus gets all up in my mess and heals them. Sometimes there is an immediate release of peace, sometimes it is an ongoing process of unwrapping my frozen fingers from around pain so I can lay it at His feet. Whatever it is, He heals. He never leaves, never forsakes, never forgets.

So if you want to speak the right words to someone who is going through a hard time, put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself what you might need in that moment. Most of the time it's just someone who will randomly send you a message saying, "Hey! I'm thinking of you! I'm praying for and I love you!" Don't assume they will come to you, because they probably won't. When relationships break someone's heart, there is a whole truckload of wondering whether anyone else you know doesn't care either. They may be in a mess. You may wonder why they don't just run up to tell you everything, but the sad reality is that most people choose not to vocalize a struggle because they are either labeled bitter because they didn't bounce right back, or they are gossiping because they said anything at all.  

I'm so thankful that God never looks at a mess and feels overwhelmed or intimidated. He will get all up in that mess to get you out. If you are a believer, that mess is a fire and you are a firefighter. If you run away scared because you don't want to touch it, take off the title and find a new job. Ask someone how they're doing and be interested in the real answer. Pray for someone. Speak life over them. Remind them of their worth. Don't be afraid to say, "What happened to you was wrong. But God knows, He will be your Defender." This doesn't mean you post flyers with the wrongdoer's face on it to tell of what they did. It does, however, call for accountability. Take up for people in a loving way. Silence isn't always golden. Integrity and honor are though. 

Now I cannot claim any expertise in any subject of life, but I can offer some of my own experiences that have been very difficult and share my own perspective of how I felt during those times, and how others helped me or how I wish others had helped me. My experiences in life are my own, and not something I share in an effort to slander anyone or rally a mob of sympathizers to chase down those who have caused me pain. Rather, I use these experiences to testify of how God pulled me out of hurt and healed my heart. If God can do that for me, He can surely do it for you.

So if you are broken and feel like no one cares or understands, know that Jesus loves you beyond what you can imagine. He understands all your deepest hurts, He has the scars to prove it. Don't let the actions of others dictate the direction of your life. Give your hurts to Him and He will turn your setbacks into setups for greater things in your life.


"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  - Psalm 147:3

Blind Sight

I inadvertently disappeared from the face of the blog world for a spell there. Had no intention of doing such a thing, but life in all it's lovely curiousness, filled my minutes of the day and I simply forgot. Life is kind of sneaky that way....giving memories and then stealing other ones. But I am very thankful to say I have experienced much adventure in the time that has gone by, and you know how much I love adventure..

I have gone through more gypsy travels and ended up trekking back and forth across the country a couple times to reach destinations. I am in a place I never would have thought to find myself and I must say in all honesty, it's quite nice. The people are lovely and the scenery is calming. What a blessing to be somewhere that I not only made new friends, but a place where I have old friends as well! I don't think I've ever experienced this before but I'm so thankful for it.

In coming to a place so far from where I began, sacrifices had to be made. The batmobile and many lovely furniture pieces were sold. How unfortunate that life is not like in the movies or books, where people seem to have endless bank accounts and they can zip around the world at a moment's notice without even having to worry about who will feed the dog. Of course in the real world, that is just not the case. Traveling can be very grueling. It's worth it, and I'm sure any traveler would tell you they have lasting memories that they will treasure for a lifetime. But honestly, traveling is rough stuff. You have to consider baggage, what you will take and what you will leave behind....what's the biggest priority and simply not something you can live without, and what's considered more insignificant. And it's far worse with moving because you have to take everything with you. But then do you really want to take everything? Or do you need to cut costs by sifting through to make sure you're really taking the items you need....which means going through everything before you leave. Either way, you're going to find yourself fussing at no one other than you when you find out you kept clothes that went out of style when N'Sync was still around, and I'm pretty sure those pants are not going to be singing, "It's Gonna Be Me" when the sifting process is concluded.

But aside from the hard process of cleaning out clothes and considering what furniture you can take, if you can take any, there is something else that you are faced with. The uncertainty of where you're going and what you will do once you get there. Moving somewhere is both a blessing and a curse in some aspects. It's a blessing when you need a fresh start and you want to experience something new. It can seem like a curse when you don't have an extroverted personality and your sense of humor befuddles people because you use words like, "dastardly" and "malarkey" on an almost daily basis, and you have to start from scratch in building relationships. But in my experience so far, the blessings have far outweighed the so called curses.

I've truly loved being in a place that carries no baggage of my past horrors, so nobody looks at you like a poor "victim." You feel less defined by your circumstances in a way, I guess. I've loved the new friends I've made and I enjoy getting to know them and all their eccentricities. You know it's going to be a pretty good group of coworkers when they start out saying, "We're all weird here, so if you're weird too then you'll fit in." My reply was, "I can do weird." And we've gotten along very well. I guess we're proof that weirdness can make a community of like minded loonies. I have no problem with this as long as it's a harmless and amusing kind of weird. I've also loved the old friends I had before I came to this new destination. I have come to know them on a different level and feel such an appreciation for who they are and who they are becoming in the Lord. What a blessing to not only feel yourself growing up, but to be able to do it along someone else that is growing up too. Never have I been able to say before this time in my life that I was fortunate to know someone closely enough to understand my thoughts based on a facial expression I give. That can be good and bad though, considering I give a lot of facial expressions and sometimes I truly believe I'm giving a perfect pa-pa-poker face. 

But in all of this chaos of moving through life in a whirlwind, learning what you're really made of, discovering what really makes you passionate in life, growing out of the Peter Pan syndrome, loving someone more than yourself.....I can say with certainty that it requires you to close your eyes to all the things you see with your human perspective so you can see things with a perspective of Christ. You have to walk blindly, not knowing where your feet will touch down but trusting that when God is leading you to go, He won't let you fall into the depths of despair. He will provide. It looks impossible, because it is impossible. But He makes it possible because He's showing you who He is in those impossibilities. 

To walk with such trust can mean to go against your very nature and step out when you would normally do nothing of the kind. To get a job where you wouldn't normally pursue one because you see that the Lord has opened the door there for a specific purpose. To allow your heart barriers to come down and love someone, allowing them to see all your hurts when you usually keep a safe distance based on past experiences. And to look for opportunities to minister when you're in a location that still requires you to use the assistance of a GPS because you have a tendency to take "detours"..

The traveling is grueling, but He gives courage to go and strength to endure the journey. The uncertainty of your future is stressful, but He gives peace in the middle of those doubts and joy to encourage you. The new page in your story is lonely sometimes, but He gives new relationships to shower your thirsty heart with love. He does it all, He teaches and provides. 

So never be afraid of the next step in life, the journey is where you learn the most.

Bat Signal

There are times in life when I wish I could be bold and fearless exactly when I need to be. That would be so nice. I'd love to put on a superhero cape of fearlessness and run around, hopefully with a wind machine blowing a breeze in front of me. Seems only right. I just think it would be really convenient if I could just pull out some bravery as quickly I pull out some chapstick from my bag.


Why is it that when I want to have this burst of heroic courage, I feel so nervous and uncertain? In my lion moments, I end up feeling like a mouse. It just really frosts my cookies when I have all this boldness raring to go, right up until the moment when I need to show it. Err. Fear is such a drag. 


I think there's only 1 thing left to do when this becomes a frequent occurrence; do something that requires a truckload of boldness, and attack that thing with all that I've got. Seems like a good plan, no? I'm sure it is! Almost. Well, maybe it sounds crazy, but I would at least like to face my fears and learn how to conquer this recurring battle.


So hear I go! Off to face the unknown terror that is my own imagination! Off to fight the foe of uncertainty and doubt! I will fight the dragon of cowardice and regret, and win! That is the plan, and the hope, and the prayer. 


I don't really know what will happen in all these situations that keep flying up in my face, I know they're aggravating and discouraging to look back on when I haven't reacted in the way that I think I should have. But you learn as you go in life, and I'm determined to keep trying and persevering through each day. This could finally be the time where I get it right! I could finally figure out how to see the bat signal of boldness flying in the night sky, and jump in my suit of courage to kung fu fight my nerves! Matrix style even..


Ok, here goes...*gulp*....(insert superhero music here.)

Quiet Everness

“If you've been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you - you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

I understand the quietness that was referred to in this quote. It's very strange. It's not that you simply are quiet outside, but that you actually feel quiet inside and reflect that out. There are some things that happen in such a way that you are left without the proper words to speak. In these moments, I can listen to the music...but I can't sing the song. I can hear the phone ring, but I can't answer. It's not that I'm paralyzed from shock or anything, I just feel quiet.

It doesn't always come after tears though, sometimes you can feel so quiet that you can't even find tears as an outlet. There's nothing. Just quiet. The quietness can envelope your world, or at least the way you see it anyway. It doesn't feel like depression though, it's not a mood brought on by something flippant. No...when something that you can't quite grasp or something of perplexing depth occurs, the quiet everness can occasionally fall like snow around you and engulf your perception. Almost like the snow becomes tiny little parachutes that hush all the sound..

There's a certain point that you can reach the level of quietness in this quote; when you are worn out from grief. You're tired and you have no fight in you, a kind of surrender that's come when you're too exhausted for objections.

I also think it's the point where your soul knows it just needs to pause.....to stop all talking and all thoughts, and just listen. When your soul needs to hear the voice that it longs for, the voice that can speak life into you, the voice that gives direction and encouragement. The voice of the Lord. His voice can calm the furies and the raging seas around me, it can bring me to my knees and it can also bring me to my feet. I love His voice. He wakes me in the morning with His words of love, He deflects discouragement with His comfort throughout my day, He cheers me on and tells me to take heart when my day get's harder & longer, and He speaks peace over me so I can sleep at night. I love His voice. It's my favorite voice to hear.

Right now I feel quiet. That may change in the next minute, hour, day or so on...but for this particular moment, I feel quiet. I'm listening for my favorite voice to speak and guide me. And so far I feel like His voice is saying, "Keep loving....and keep going."

So if going through the emotional tempests is what it takes for me to enter into the quiet everness, where I hear God's voice....then ok. I will go through it without complaint. To hear Him speak is worth the trek.

"Be still, my soul - the Lord is on thy side!

Bear patiently the cross of grief and pain;

Leave to thy God to order and provide -

In ev'ry change He faithful will remain

Be still, my soul - thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end."

- Be Still My Soul (hymn)

Elves vs. Giants

The anticipation brought on by the title is probably too much to bear, I'm sure! That is why I will give a full explanation at once. (Please cease all nail biting..)

I wonder why people can regard the significance of other people based on height. "How did you come to surmise such a thing?" you may say. Well I think I have sufficient evidence...of the mind. And also, I really like the word surmise. So here is my argument...conclude what you will.

I had three people come in to my workplace to be waited on, 1 small lady that was the obvious adult, 1 medium lady that was questionably in adulthood, and 1 viking man that could smite a kingdom standing behind them. They requested he be charged as a child. My blank stare ensued. They assured me he was 15. My blank stare ensued. They showed me his I.D. There was still a lot of ensuing of the staring. How could Conan the Barbarian have a legal identification card from the government stating that he was still a child? Did the White House feel some sort of courtesy was owed to him after he chopped down an entire forest with an axe of injustice? Maybe he helped them conquer Iceland? I know not. But I couldn't understand why this burly man that could cast a shadow on the majority of the Great Wall of China, was passing me a little card that said he must be regarded as a child. He could eat 3 of me. But ok. Alright then.

It's not that the brick wall boy was not nice, it's just that he was so very ginormous. You know? And the jolly little lady that was the obvious adult seemed completely unaware of the height difference, or that I was wondering if he secretly made spears to throw at people in his spare time. It's a valid concern. And then I thought of how I might possibly handle a request for help from either of them...hmm...If the jolly little lady came up and demanded more help, I would walk with general concern over to where she was and hopefully assist her in the best way possible, while also being a tiny bit t-o'ed for lack of simply asking. On the other hand....if Sven the spear thrower came over to demand help, I would hit mach 5 while running for the closest exit and screaming for everyone to run for their lives. The height seems more menacing. Even if the jolly little lady turned out to be a secret spy of deadliness, I would still feel the urge to call her 'little' and 'jolly.'

But the irony of that is that I'm on the shorter end of the height stick. I really wish I were tall enough to reach the top shelf without the assistance of a disheartening 2-step ladder, or even be able to see past heads during a concert. And the movie theaters? What am I, a magnet for all the Norsemen in the world?? Stop sitting in front of me during a movie! There's no one else in the theater, but for some reason, that is the one seat you must sit upon. Thank you. I've always wanted to pay a boatload of money to see the backside of a freakishly large earlobe. Great. I'm sorry, but I think I just beat you with my pack of twizzlers.....in my mind..

It does seem to me that people can be assumed to be more important when they have more height. It can be unintentional, I know. But it happens just the same. I'm guilty of it myself. Maybe it's the whole, they could snap me in two with their big arms of tree trunkness. (That's a word, it's new.) Or maybe it's just that they seem to look down on you, so there must be a reason for it. I mean, my sister used to occasionally stand on tables when she talked to me when we were younger and when I asked her why, she just genuinely wanted to look down while talking. So, it seemed efficient. O_o

Sometimes it can make you seem less significant though, if you feel like a kid among adults. Can't be helped when it's something you inherit, but it does make me appreciate boot season. But even then, you can tend to have the 'elf' syndrome. No....I'm not referring to the tall elves of Rivendell, that speak in slow motion and make sure to sway their hair from side to side in unison. I'm talkin' Keebler, people. It's the Keeblers vs. The Jolly Green Giants. It's easy to feel small when you stand small. But it doesn't have to..

I think I'm learning an awareness of what makes me feel small and how God makes me feel secure in any circumstance. It's slow, cause I'm a slow learner:p But I'm learning in any case. I'm not 9 ft tall, and I don't look like a model. And I can't throw spears at people, yet. But I'm me, and I'm who God made me. I'm thankful to be alive and kickin', and I'm thankful for who He continues to make me. I appreciate that when I see kids, I relate to the feelings they have of being small, and that helps me talk to them as if they're not. And I like that I can buy child size shoes, cause they're cheaper. And I have a sneaking suspicion that if I were in a fight with Conan, I could just shoot rope around his legs, thus making him fall to the ground in defeat. Kind of like in 'The Empire Strikes Back' in Star Wars, when they would whip around those robots in the snow and make them fall...well you get the idea. I could take him though. Or......I could just use a taser. But still!

Sometimes when I see people that seem so big in the world, I wonder how big Goliath was exactly. He was literally a giant. I see people that I think are giants everyday, but they probably seem that way to me because I descended from the leprechaun people. We have gold, we like rainbows, and we eat colorful marshmallows in our cereal. Don't judge.

But I do wonder about how that must have looked compared to David. How small was he? Here was this massive goon that led an entire army of massive goons, and he was picking up some rocks and running into battle. I want to be that brave. I want to look at my massive problems in life and run full force at them, trusting that God will take these small rocks and use them to pierce through the head of each battle. I want to do that. I want to be so bold that I don't get shaken by who stands over me, or look down at people that stand lower than me. I want to be humble to talk to everyone with the same love that God talks to me with, no matter who they are or what they look like, or how many axes of injustice they may carry.

I hope I can continue to learn as I go, slow as it may seem. One step at a time is still one step closer to wherever God is leading me:)

Battlefield

Well I suppose we must begin today by paging our soundtrack to befit the post......here comes Pat Benatar. Yes, indeed. Heartache to heartache. Have no fear, I haven't attempted the old 80's hairstyle to coincide with the music.

While you are inspired to do the dancing of the era (which is basically moving from side to side with painful, jerky looking movements) I shall explain my own inspiration for the post. Well...in general terms, of course:)

I know, I know....from the archives of my blog you can most likely see the insertion of hard situations that I have had with certain people that shall remain mysterious to outsiders. But no matter how hard the circumstance or trouble or pain, they still remain deeply woven in my heart. Why is this? Because it's something that the Lord placed on my heart that I am unable to ignore.

The normal reaction is to cut the foe of pain out of your life, it's what we all do....much like if you get a splinter. You get it out, get it away, do anything you can to dig that thing out and not feel the soreness or pain from it. Bleh, I hate those things. Pain really can linger to make you miserable even from the smallest things, can't it? Don't even get me started on the subject of stubbing toes.....Good. Gosh.

Obviously people are different and not to be put in the same category as stubbing your toe (and why is it always the little one??) or getting a splinter (what's up the ones that get under your fingernail? How does that even happen?) People are more important and relationships are far deeper than the temporary effects of a tiny physical pain, though they may both inspire similar facial expressions..

One of my favorite stories to read is, 'The Faerie Queene" by Edmund Spenser. Oh my goodness, so interesting and exciting. My favorite character is Britomart, a lady knight that fought more bravely than many men and was never turned away from her mission. She helped people and fought in battles without flinching, but her purpose was always in front of her and she never strayed from it. She searched for the one that her heart loved and never gave in to the temptations of the world or any other distractions that could possibly have changed her mind. Her heart was set, her goal determined, and her path was established. There was even a time when she fought the actual knight that she was searching for, yet she stayed steadfast.

I know it's a fictional story, a beautifully written tale about characters that don't exist, doing things that we've never heard people doing.....but I find it interesting in many aspects. I think it's neat to see so much symbolism wrapped in those stories that I may be able to apply to my own. Even though I can't wield a sword, or ride a horse, or conquer fortresses, or save towns from evil ogres.....I can stay steadfast. I can fight off the sadness and discouragement of rejection while I continue to love someone that doesn't love me. I can be obedient to the calling that I know, without a doubt, that God has given me. I can stay on the course set before me and I can do it to the best of my ability, even when I feel like I am the weakest and most insignificant person on earth. I can try.

Sometimes I fight in prayer for those that I love the most, only to turn around and be pierced through the heart by the sword of those I fight for. I don't understand these things. But I understand that God doesn't leave my side through a second of it. I'm not alone to face the ogres that look nothing like Shrek and have no sense of humor at all. He's here. And He is going to turn these things around so I can finally see the full picture of it all. Why I see it in Ipod form when I really need to see it in Imax form, is beyond me. But there's a purpose for it all.

So I'm going to keep riding, with my armor on to deflect the enemy from dumping discouragement on me. I will keep my sword and shield handy, cause those ugly dragons don't roast marshmallows and they mean business. I will keep fighting for the ones that I love, because I still love them. And even if they choose to never love me back, or decide they would rather fight against me, I will still love them and fight for them. Cause that's what real love is. The best and truest form of love is Jesus, who exemplifies love in it's purest form.

So to the person (s) that I write this specific post to; I always have and always will continue to love you no matter what you've done, what you're doing, or what you will do.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

-Ephesians 6:10-18

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Caped Crusader

The curiosities of life seem to get bigger as a person gets older, I think. Either that, or sanity just gets smaller....I'm not entirely sure which one is better, though I'm willing to bet money that you can find medication for both.

The reason why I was thinking of the curiosities of life, is that I keep finding more and more of them. Goodness, you'd think by now that I would get the hang of it. But no. Just as discombobulated as ever. I'm sure this is no surprise to any reader of even just 1 of these posts, it's rather obvious that I have anything but a normal life;)

I wonder, however, if I'm so used to the odd things...that I get bored of the normal things. (In the off chance that I would experience something considered 'normal.') But I guess the average, or pretty much anything that's not classified as crazy, seems strange. So many things have happened in the past few years that I think I've gotten used to the constantly moving snowball effect of weirdness, and when things don't happen on a regular basis like they have, I start to wonder if I've hit a wall.

It's not a bad thing to get off the crazy train, I just think sometimes the movement of the train (however crazy it is) somehow means that there is at least movement. When I don't feel the twists & turns on the railway of looniness, I start to think that there could be a possibility that I've just stopped and I'm not getting anywhere. At least with some movement, there's the glimmer of hope that you will reach your destination. When movement stops, getting to that next stop seems to feel like an impossibility.

Life seems slow right now....in some senses anyway. There is still the hum of constant craziness that goes without saying, because let's face it, I come from a long line of crazy and it's definitely not going to disappear at any point in time. But the quietness is what seems to make me restless lately. I'm feeling like I need to bust outta this joint and go somewhere that I can explore. The everyday rat race is zapping all the coal in my crazy train, making me feel like I am just plum tired all the time. I sure hope a time of refreshing adventure is right around the corner, otherwise, someone might be seeing a crazy blond running down the street with a cape on. If it's windy. Every windy day is the perfect reason to wear a cape.

I wonder why people don't wear capes anyhow? Wouldn't it make life a little more interesting if we all got to do something a little out of the ordinary....well, more out of the ordinary than others? I should think so. It definitely would take the 'mundane' out of Mondays, that's for sure. It's something to consider.

There are a lot of places out there in the world, most of which, I have never seen or experienced personally...but I would really like to mark my map quite a bit more with those nifty little flags that world travelers always seem to have on hand. Life is just so short! There's so much to experience! My crazy train can't slow down now, I'm just getting used to it! Somebody better get some more coal, cause I'm grabbing a mask and putting on my superhero boots.....I'm determined not to let this life of mine become dull with average every days. I will do as much as I can to become someone that stamps a symbol of light up in the sky for everyone to see. Move over Batman, the mini-blond is coming through! On a side note: I have the batmobile....it's much smaller that expected, but at least it drives well.

Next up; theme song choosing. Suggestions are welcomed:)

The Mundane Life of a Caterpillar

I was just thinking about the monotonous days of life, when nothing interesting seems to happen, besides the growing annoyance of construction that happens at unearthly hours of the morning. Why does life seem to like throwing the most mundane curve balls on such a consistent basis? And what exactly is the construction crew building out there? There is no building to speak of, where is the drill going?? So many unanswered questions.

No one's life goes at a continual level of rocket-powered roller coaster speeds that are chalked full of adventure and excitement, but I do have to wonder why it insists on going so slow that would make even Miss Daisy get anxious for the gas pedal. Come on life! Get a move on already, I'm not getting any younger here! Sometimes I shake my fist at you.

Each day has the potential to be what you make of it in certain aspects. I get a bit of satisfaction out of accomplishing as much as possible while I'm at work, even if it's just mopping or dusting. Something about crossing off those to-do lists makes me feel like I've been productive. But honestly, the desire to burst out the doors and catapult into the clouds just seems to get bigger everyday. I guess this would be a good time to have wings..

Oh, wings! Why can't I get some so I can jump over these buildings and enjoy the breeze? True, they might make clothing choices a smidge difficult, but I feel as if scissors could help in that area. If I were a bird, I'm pretty sure I would be a penguin because I would be one of the few birds that couldn't fly...and I trip over my own feet. How this happens when my feet are so small, I will never know. But it does. Don't judge me.

I wonder what a caterpillar feels like before it turns into a butterfly....I mean, is it an anxious little bugger? Or is it just super mellow and chilled out with weaving that gross looking cocoon? And how long does it have to feel like a big wiggly worm before it gets to soar above the flowers? Does it feel like a few days? A few years? Does it feel resentment over other caterpillars that have grown their wings early on? Does it throw pollen at them and shake it's antennae in bug fury? Does it go to the preying mantis for therapy and kung fu lessons? I don't know, but it's something to consider.

My everyday blahs are making a cocoon so big, I think it may turn out to be a cocoon skyscraper. I'm weaving and weaving and weaving....and I'm not reaching the end of this thing! *Beats head into cocoon wall*

I must be a very late bloomer, indeed. I do hope I come out of this cocoon soon though, it's awfully stifling. I wonder what color wings I will have, or how big they'll be. I sure hope I don't end up looking like that big caterpillar from 'A Bug's Life,' with a great big worm's body and itty bitty wings. That just wouldn't do at all. I hope I have mondo wings of mondo-ness. Hopefully this extra big cocoon is supposed to mean that I have more room to grow my mondo wings. And hopefully when it's all over I won't have to see another cocoon again....even just using the word makes me think of old people and aliens...and that one guy selling quaker oats and diabetes products. I definitely would rather be discussing the best trees to leap off of in order to catch some major wind surfing action with my butterfly wings. Definitely.

Until then, I suppose I shall have to keep weaving...and weaving...and weaving. And possibly contain myself from throwing pollen at passing butterflies. And I won't be needing any therapy lessons from Mr. Mantis. But I will certainly sign up for his kung fu sessions.....

I'm sure I've probably already used this verse in reference to a previous post, but it's one of my faves:)

"I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest - I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.""

-Psalm 55:6-8

Neverending Story

Don't start singing the theme song just yet, there's no Falcor flying at this particular moment. But just wait....I'll get to the singing in just a bit. Promise.

Well my long overdue entry of word puzzlement is in serious need of attention. So I shall remedy this at once. :)

Much has happened in the last months that I have been away....as much always seems to happen in such a small amount of time. But in these past days, it's a distinct change in direction of where I thought I would be. I've grown close to some, and far away from others...I've started new adventures, and ended old ones. Very mind boggling, to say the least. Even I can't quite keep up because it seems that my mind & my feet are on very different levels of speed. I'm sure you can imagine what that might look like on a treadmill of reality, I know I can see someone in a gym running at full speed because the level on the treadmill is way too fast for them to keep up, and then they accidentally push the 'power' button instead of the 'slow the heck down' button, and SHHWWOOM! They go flying into the wall. Yeah, that'd be me. No need for youtube, I can envision it just fine.

I must have a strange sort of heart, I think. The kind that hides itself as best as possible but ends up being very much like an ostrich with the head stuck in a hole. You can't hide it if you wear it on your sleeve. But that's the way it is. Guarded but wholehearted. Friendly but fragile. Utterly strange combination. Much like polka-dots and stripes....it is what it is. But at least I appreciate bold patterns:)

I wish very much that friendships didn't seem to have seasons and people could remain as close tomorrow as they felt yesterday. But people move away or hurts fling across the room like pies in the face (minus the Stooges) and life whirls on by without so much as a hiccup. To understand that things happen out of your control is obviously a good thing, but it doesn't seem to make it one bit easier. Not even a kasmidgeon. (I'm almost sure that's a word.)

My defense through the pie throwing, friend departing times is to hide my heart....in the ostrich hole....and try not to allow myself to get so close next time. Doesn't work, mind you, but the plan is mapped out and the attempt is made with genuine gusto. Maybe with even a little 'tude thrown in there. It's not a good defense, I know, but I run out of options and get terribly discouraged about it all.....wondering what went wrong...if I threw a pie with an especially tart lemon meringue that may have left a bad aftertaste. You know, just the normal things everyone thinks about. But it's still so puzzling.

Within this short time period that has tried to sprint ahead and left me with no 'slow the heck down' button, I have felt the absence of a most dear friend, indeed. It's truly a tricky subject to speak of, and so I refrain from speaking of it at all in any detail with anyone. Normally it would help to speak about things out loud in order to fully let go of any hurts and understand what may have occurred, but not in this particular instance. I'm completely speechless. I guess you're wondering how speechless I could possibly be if I've already given a few sizable 'mini-graphs' on the matter. But I seem to travel through the whole maze before I actually reach the center....so I haven't arrived at the core of it just yet. Hence the reason to refrain from the theme song.

With this most dear friend, I tried to hide my heart even more so than any other time. Of course, you know how that goes....that's when you give your heart away the most. A cruel irony, I should think. And so it happened with me, the heart was given...the pies were flown, and now I stand here with no heart, no clue as to what happened, and an entirely unflattering splatter of meringue all over my face. *Sigh*

What can be done in this circumstance? Nothing. Can I build a ship to sail across my sea of a thousand tears and never return to the hurts I feel? Not when the biggest thing you've built is a chair that comes in 5 easy pieces to snap together right out of the box, and even then, you always worry what will happen when you sit down. So here I am, standing in this little spot thinking of all these odd things and wondering how long I'll be here before I can move to the next spot.

It's normal for me to just go right on with life, maybe move around a bit (as gypsies tend to do.) But this is one time I can't move. I don't have the ability to get out of this one, though I will continue to live life as fully as possible where I am. It's rather surprising to find that this a circumstance I have to wait on in a different way than I have before. I have to wait on the Lord to release me from this and give me the ability to go where He wants me to go. It's an unknown territory for me to be in.....realizing that things are not completed here and I must wait to see what He will do to bring them back around. I don't know what all this will mean, I just know that my heart is not moving on for some reason and He's told me to hold on.

So I'm waiting now......in a new way. The heart-train has stopped and is waiting for the Conductor to blow the whistle so we can chug back along these ever winding tracks. Very curious.

I suppose this is where my story ends for the moment......or does it? *Feel free to insert the theme song here while looking up in the sky for Falcor* Falcooooooor!!! Faaallcoooorr!!!

I'm sorry, but it had to be done. You just can't look for him without screaming the name, it's just a given. ;)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

-Psalm 37:4

The Misters

I made a recent discovery that I thought was very interesting, while also unsettling....an observance about my own way of thinking. Though observing your own thoughts seems to sound even more unsettling now that I write it...maybe that should be more of a concern....but I'll proceed anyhow. Because randomness will happen either way, so here goes..

After having a bit of a tiring and busy week recently, I was really dealing with some discouragement and anxiety. It was a pile up of many different things that caused me to feel strung out, which really makes you more susceptible to discouragement. But it felt like it hit harder with an addition of frustration from other situations. All that to say, here is my discovery:

I have found an analogy that encompasses most of the turmoil that goes on in my noggin.....meet the Misters; I have a Mr. Imagination and a Mr. Logic.

When I have odd miscommunications with people or a strange occurrence arises (which obviously is pretty often in Wonderland) I tend to have swirling arguments inside my mind about it. On the one hand, I've got Mr. Logic, who seems to be well aware of the reasonable and sensible excuse for it. Everything is fine in Logicland because I know things are not that big a deal and molehills really are just molehills.

On the other hand though, is Mr. Imagination, who is quite an adventurer. While Mr. Logic takes a seat on a rather nice bench at the bottom of a mountain view, pausing to peacefully take in the serenity of the scene....Mr. Imagination has grabbed a dirtbike and hit the gas so hard that dirt flies into the face of Mr. Logic. Yes, he's a gonner....flying through the air with suspicions of drama, popping wheelies of despair over the possibility of hurts, and doing backflips with feelings of sorrow. I told you he was quite the adventurer. Never stays still for a moment, that one.

And while there are plenty of times where people really are oddballs and considerably rude in nature, there are also plenty of times where things are not always as they seem. I just need to learn to slow Mr. Imagination down and deflate his bmx tires. The dude is outta control. Or maybe he's IN control, and that's the problem. Either way, there's an inner turmoil that happens when I allow my mind to swirl here and there, thinking the worst instead of praying for the best. And it hurts myself more than anything else.

And of course, as it turns out...Mr. Logic is very soft spoken, while Mr. Imagination happens to be well trained in the use of his diaphragm. Isn't that how it always is? *Sigh* Yes, this is an unfun situation indeed, for the two Misters do not get along at all. And they aren't even as amusing as the two hecklers from the muppets. Tragic.

But I think it's a good thing to learn about myself, and hopefully I'm not the only one with the two Misters War. Because if it turned out to be something like that, I'd be in serious trouble....though I'm going to choose to refrain from allowing Mr. Imagination to attempt to compete in the Winter X Games and not proceed any further with the possible nuthouse scenarios..But just know that he's extremely eager to take flight lessons with that one.

Anyway, I'm going to try very hard not to allow Mr. Imagination to go skydiving whenever a situation that I don't understand comes in my line of view. Obviously, I'll try to steer him into staying in the writing business....but it shall be a daunting task, to be sure.

Alright Mr. Logic, I'm going to sit on this here bench with you for as long as I can. But I'm going to need some serious prayer to stay because as it is, I'm a huge motorcycle fan...and Mr. Imagination drives a two-seater.

I'm praying for wisdom and peace, while the Lord continues to teach me to capture my thoughts and continue the course on this very long road:)

"We demolish arguments and pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
-2 Corinthians 10:5

Novel Ideas

Today seems like it will be a lovely, yet humidity-filled day:) I'm all for the lovely part though, so no complaints. I'll gladly take it over being cold and stormy anyday, although I do enjoy a good thunderstorm here and there.

Yesterday I began another edit sweep-through of my biggest book. I'm hoping that it will make it easier to read & connect the dialog more than it's current state. I guess we'll have to see the end results. It's very difficult to find a good person to edit these kinds of things, seeing as to how it would really require someone who is not only skilled in doing it but also has a love for reading. But I'll just do the best I can at the moment and see what the Lord brings about.

I love using my free time to make things....whether it be writing a story, plucking out a tune, drawing a picture, or painting art...it makes me feel like I've used my time more constructively. And considering how easy it is to sit and veg out, sometimes it's a great battle to make yourself get up and do something.

I have a list made of all the books I would like to write. I don't know if I'll get to them all, but there it is just in case I do. Of course, I know that I don't have any profound skills in the area of writing, but I don't mind taking a swing at it and seeing what turns up. It doesn't have to be the most eloquent or perfectly written material, I'm just thankful for the outlet to get some ideas out of my noggin.

Yesterday, I tried to do a search for more material on the subject of editing, because I would love to learn more about it and try to polish my writing more. Turns out everyone is an expert and everyone would gladly give you some help....for a hefty some of money that could rival the amount of a mortgage loan on your house. Isn't that so generous? I thought so too. Such givers. It's a wonder there's any dreams that don't bloom into reality when you have such generous souls dwelling among us.

Oh well, it doesn't make things impossible. It just makes them a bit trickier to maneuver around, and much more appreciated if they do come about. And with such a peace, knowing that God is in control even when I think life is drunk with discouragement, I can keep trying because I know there's a reason for it. It's not a waste of time and it's not stupid, no matter how many "No's" I hear in the process.

So hear goes another effort in the swirling world of storytelling.....


"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
-Phillipians 4:13

Mosaic Heart

It's been a good deal of time since I've given a few words about my land of wonder...so I guess I shall add something new, so you can wonder with me as well.

There is a bit of confusion in my mind of a certain occurrence that seems to happen quite frequently....friends becoming unfriendly. People change in life and they grow or shrink in maturity, it's a fact. But I wonder how someone you fought alongside with in the war of the worlds, can become the one you fight against. How do you change sides without the slightest conviction? Is it really that easy to do? I always assumed not, but I am beginning to think otherwise.

If you know someone as well as you thought you knew them, then why doubt that knowledge to believe in things that are untrue? Perhaps it's not simply to reject a friend...perhaps it's more to reject any reminder of what is right and what is wrong. If you know someone will not blindly follow after the crowd, but you're all too eager to do so...maybe removing the person that speaks truth will somehow eliminate any feelings of conviction.

I think it tragic to exchange someone's love for you with carelessness & scorn. But I guess going to bed feeling like your poor lifestyle choices are justified is worth it in the end, right? As long as there is no remorse, then crushing someone's heart is completely worth it, I'm sure. At least, this is what I'm assuming must be the mentality, considering it's done so often.

This isn't a post to spout off a victimized letter of 'who done it' or a 'woe is me' rant to paint myself as innocent. It's just to do what I normally do...sort out some thoughts on a blog that is appropriately labeled as Wonderland, which is exactly what I mirror my crazytown of a life alongside.

I know that people make mistakes, and I've made a good number of them myself. But I also value people, especially those that I hold dear. I try to be honest to their faces & guardians to their backs. But it's not always reciprocated. Sometimes it is for a season, and then it fades. Other times, the honesty isn't appreciated and so the friendship doesn't stand through any trial. But I do try to be a good friend. It's just hurtful to be the only friend in the fight. I can't be the only one initiating contact or giving encouragement. Relationships are not one way back alley streets, they are busy interstates that go on forever. You have to build on them and repair potholes, give them constant maintenance & improvements while making room for expansion.

I don't know why there is so much hurt in my life. I know that the Lord teaches me new things through the hurts & that He heals my heart from them. But I just couldn't tell you while I stand in the middle of the trees, where the forest lays. I can't understand right now why I have to go through these things, but I know that once the Lord get's me through them, I'll be able to look back and finally see.

Many people can understand what it feels like to say you've felt broken, or that your heart's been broken. Our hearts are curious things, brilliantly made to beat inside us and feel emotions that are vastly different...but somehow they must be so fragile, because they can hurt so easily.

I used to think that my heart was so broken in the past that there was no way I would ever feel hurt again, but obviously I was wrong. But I do think that by the time I finally move on from here, I'm not going to have much left of it in one piece. As of this moment, my heart looks awfully shattered on the ground. There they are.....millions of little pieces, glittering with joy & love....all staring back to me in shreds. My heart isn't one big piece any more, but I'm thankful that God can take my pieces and make something that He loves out of it.


"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
-Psalm 147:3

Clovers

While I was exploring different parts of Ireland, I came across this saying that I thought was so sweet..."A friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find but lucky to have." It most likely seems corny and geared towards getting the tourists to buy something shiny, but I still liked it. It comes to mind at this moment, while I sort through my swirling thoughts about where I am right now...

I've been through quite a few struggles, most of which, I don't even write about because they seem to be endless. But in each struggle, the Lord has taken my hand and guided me through it, step by step, so that I can learn from them and grow. When you have to deal with frequent circumstances where people leave you or let you down, you become distrustful and leary of being close to anybody because you want to protect your heart from hurting more. I'm thankful to say, God has given me some dear friends in a short amount of time that I've treasured greatly.

I know that they will never understand how much I value them, how much I have been blessed to share some time and get to know them. It's something I can't fully put to words because it's hard to express all that you feel inside. It's hard to show someone your life in full span -where they can see the absolute anguish people made you feel with their acts of cruelty or simple lack of compassion. And it's hard to let people know how much you safeguard the inner circle around you because you are so very particular about who you allow to know you well. I've tried to say it as best I can but I still don't think I do all that great of a job:p

The years that I've seen so many people act carelessly have made me somewhat of a loner, I would usually like to do things by myself or with only family members because I live differently than what some would classify as 'normal.' It doesn't bother me to be different, in fact, I don't like fitting in with the crowd or blending in with the scenery. There just doesn't seem to be any meaning in following after people...why follow others that are as lost as you?

When Jesus is the focus of your life, the direction you walk is usually the opposite way. The crowd follows the five minutes of fun, with a wide road that takes you to a confused 'Oz' where you might think some wizard can fix your problems, but it's just a big mess. No one knows what they're doing but no one wants to be told they can't do it. It's a merry-go-round...you never stop....round and round it spins with the flashing lights and loud music...but you only go in a circle.

Looking for God to lead you will mean walking on a different road...one that's a bit rockier to walk on because it's the road less traveled. This is the road where you have to learn to grow strong, or you'll fall down. People will shout for you to turn around, because that hard road disagrees with the direction they go in. Sometimes they'll make their way sound better & more fun...sometimes they'll pressure you in a way to embarrass you...and sometimes they just hurl insults. All of these things are meant and intended to make you fall, to make you discouraged, and to make you leave the road you're walking on.

It's not an easy road, by any means, but the Lord guides you on and encourages you to press forward so you'll reach the goal. The goal is to live with Him, to lead a life that gives Him glory and show others how to know Him so they can also have the peace & joy of knowing Jesus. And everyday that you walk on that road means you have to learn more so you can go farther. There will be struggles and frustrating things thrown in your face but you get stronger through each one because God is there to show you what to do.

Pretty soon, walking down that hard road becomes a passion for you...you're determined to reach that goal and live your life to the absolute fullest that it can get. Things that might've tempted you to turn away are no longer even attractive to you because the love you have for the Lord is stronger than a love for the world. Caring about the opinions or praise from people no longer matters, because you understand that the opinion of God is more important and giving praise to Him grows inside of you like a fire. Instead of people jumping around you to try and sway you to follow them, you show them a reason to follow God.

But many people are swayed into following the crowds....they've had the best there is, in Jesus. And yet they rebel against it and reject the precious gift He's given us so they can enjoy some meaningless moments of so called 'fun.' The kind of 'fun' that leaves you with no lasting joy, no peace in your heart, and nothing good at all to show for it. They trade it all for nothing that lasts.

I've met some amazing friends on this hard, but awesome road that I'm walking on....people that I try to give encouragement to as much as possible, and people that I would defend in a second. What a blessing, to walk in the same direction as so many people you love! Sometimes it seems like they're walking faster or slower, but you're all walking in the same direction, all with the same passion and determination to continue on.

There are times, however, when you can see some of these amazing people look away from the road and start to stumble as they walk. The glittery 'Oz' starts to seem attractive, and they start to slow down. Being a friend means seeing that danger and telling them to be careful, because you want to protect them from the disaster than can so easily rip them apart. Sometimes the friends listen and quickly check themselves to make sure they aren't being pulled away....while other times, they can become angry & resentful to you for saying anything at all. You have to understand it could go either way, but you have to make that choice in spite of it.

Would a real follower of God say the words He told them to say, even if it meant someone they loved might not like it? Would a real friend shout a warning, whether it was wanted or not, or would they be silent and let disaster come?

I decided to be obedient to the One I love the most, and that's the Lord. And I decided to love my friends so much that I was willing to potentially lose them. God showed me what was most important, and that in these circumstances...it's not about me. It's about Him. And even though I can't see what will happen from one day to the next...He knows, and He's going to carry me through it.

So I'm thanking the Lord for showing me some things I need to grow in, and how many ways He's already helped me to grow. I'm thankful for the honor of being called to walk on this hard road and the love He must have for me to want to so carefully teach me how to walk on it in strength. And I'm thankful for all the 'clovers' He's allowed me to see as I go forward. I am truly blessed.

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
-Proverbs 27:6

"If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him!"
-Ecclesiastes 5:10

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in Him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and it's desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."
-1 John 2:15-17

Ireland

Well today is going to be an adventurous day, because today I'm going to Ireland! I'm sure it will be very tiring and nerve-wracking with the whole process of actually getting there, but it doesn't matter..it's still amazing that I get to go there at all.

I'm not really sure what awaits us on this trip, other than finally getting to visit with my brother. And I'm really not sure why the Lord allowed a trip like this to fall in place when I wasn't truly thinking I would ever get to go there. But He knows what He's doing and why He's opening certain doors, while closing others. So I'll just let Him show me what the plan is in His time:)

It's been a pretty odd past few weeks, just uncertain of things around me and what's going to happen in the immediate future. Usually that happens right before the Lord moves us out, somewhere else to train and prepare for where we're actually headed. You would think that I'd be used to it by now, but no. It really never feels normal to have an uncertainty in where God will sweep you up and take you away. As often as it happens, I still get nervous and antsy about where we'll go.

I was thinking that maybe I should get a map to catalog the places we go and people we meet, could be interesting and a fun way to keep your memories handy. I don't know, we'll see if I can find something to do that with. Photo albums might work just as well:p

So in a few short minutes, I'm off to begin my journey to the place where the majority of my ancestors came from....wonder if I can find any nifty relatives that resemble us. How weird would that be? Weird...yet strangely fascinating..

Well here I go......to a new destination! What happens next will be yet another adventure...

In The Bottle

There have been numerous things that I can honestly say were extremely difficult times in my life. I can't even remember or begin to try and count how many situations the Lord brought me through, they just go on and on. But I think, at this very moment, I am facing one of the hardest ones I have ever encountered.

I feel things deeply, it's the way I am. So when I care about people, I truly care about them and would honestly do anything I could for them. When I'm upset about something or someone, it upsets me enough to get to the point of feeling ill because I'm so completely distraught. This is one reason why I'm careful with my heart, I'm cautious with who I bring into my close circle of what I consider to be the 'Friends & Family Zone.' And it's good to be guarded with your heart so you aren't allowing people who could easily drag you down to be influencing your life. But you also can't be afraid of people because they could possibly hurt you.

As much as I've tried and tried to be so very careful with my heart, I think it's broken so badly right now that I'm sure it looks like a mangled mess. I don't know why people do the things they do or act the way they act, obviously I don't know what goes on in the heart of a person. But I sometimes wish the Lord would allow them to see how the choices they make don't just affect themselves. They affect everyone. It's a ripple in the water that creates a monsoon somewhere far off that you can't see in the distance, colliding into people with a thunderous crash and wiping away all remnants of who you were, or who they thought you to be. You can try to run from it all you want but it will still come to sweep you away.

Everyone makes mistakes, we're all human, and I'm no different. But it's in that time, after you've fouled up and understand that what you did was wrong...that's when you have another choice; the choice to allow this mistake to sweep you away in this destructive monsoon so that you'll never recover, but fall away even more into a hopeless state. Or...the choice to go to God. He's already seen the mistake, He knows what's in our hearts and what we're made of. And yet, He continues to love us. Why this choice seems to be the harder of the two, I don't know, but I'm guilty of it myself. You become so hardened with guilt that you want to try to run from the Lord, as if we could ever do that. But there He is, calling for us and waiting for us to come to Him and surrender it so He can forgive us and change us.

I'm reminded of the time in the Bible when King David had made the mistake of going after Bathsheba. He knew it was wrong and yet he still did it, someone who was supposed to know God and live for Him. He repented for what He'd done and was forgiven for what he did, which is awesome when you read of how the Lord can change someone's life when they surrender to Him. I'm amazed of how much the Lord loves us, how he can see us for all that we really are...all the mistakes we make and yet still want for us to be close to Him.

Right now, I feel like I'm observing everything from inside that tiny little bottle that Alice floated around in....wondering where the water will go and where the Lord will take me. My heart aches so much from hurts that I think I've given Alice a run for her money in the tears department. She made a measley little river and I honestly think I've made an ocean big enough to swallow a continent. I guess there's a drastic flipside to the bottle analogy...some could try to drown their sorrows in a bottle, which just can't give you any peace. And others could feel like they're floating on top of the sea of sorrows, while hoping desperately to find some dry ground to set their feet firmly on. Either way, the only answer to these problems is Jesus. He's where we'll find rest.

I'm a bit all over the place in this particular post, I know, but there were so many crazy things to touch on that I didn't know where to begin. I feel like I offered out my heart, only to have it ripped into tiny pieces and left on the ground for me to stare down at and wonder if I'll ever be able to gather up every little shred. But I know I can't. I can't do that and I can't heal myself. I can't change someone else's choices or make everything disappear. I have to look at God and pray that He will heal me. He's done it before and I know that He can do it again. He can take all my pieces and put them together to make something new.

And even though I may feel scarred, beat up, kicked down, and disregarded by someone...I'm so very thankful that God loves me. Sometimes I feel alone, but I'm not. He never leaves me and He never stops loving me. Even my mangled up mess of a self that's floating cluelessly down a sea of sorrows.

Windy Woes & Wonders

Another season is changing...spring is finally coming to shove winter aside and let us feel the lovely rays of the sun. I'm very excited about the warmness covering our part of the world again:) But ofcourse that means it brings something else with it.....change.

I don't know what it is about the changing of the seasons, it's something that completely fascinates me because I recognize it coming even before the weather actually morphs into something different...you feel a desire to do something new, go somewhere new, or just be somewhere else in your life period. I talk about if often because it's an ever-constant thing...just like the changing of the seasons throughout the year, you keep changing as a person.

I also love watching what happens with the birds when it gets warm outside. They always look like they're enjoying every minute of flying around in the sky. I'm sure I would too though, flying would be an amazing adventure! You could zip to any destination that you wanted, without all the trouble. I can't even imagine how awesome that would be, well, maybe I could in a small way..

Just think about it! There would be no need for airplanes, which would mean there would be no depleting of your savings to buy a ticket, no sitting next to a horribly obnoxious person on a plane, and no surrendering your shoelaces before you even get to the plane because there was supposedly a secret way of creating a nuclear detonator with those laces. Deadly laces..But seriously, the level of fantasticness would be ridiculously high. (And fantasticness is a word, it's new.) I'm just saying, I think I could enjoy the whole flying around thing:]

I guess there's always the downsides to that though...I'm sure you're wondering what they could possibly be, but really, there are some pretty solid setbacks.

First of all, the hair issue. Now for guys with no hair, this would not be an issue but for the rest of the population, this could be a serious situation. I can't really envision how bad I would look with that much time blown by the wind, but considering the fact that I look like Cousin It in a tornado when the wind blows me on the ground, I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume it could get ugly.

Secondly, bugs. I'm sorry but I really think the whole 'bugs in the teeth' look just wouldn't become me. Plus I would be grossed out, and innocent bystanders would be grossed out...I mean, you're talkin just one all around grossed out situation.

And lastly, the stupid thing. What's the stupid thing? People. If people can't drive in a big vehicle and get along or around each other, I don't even know what would happen with them whizzing all over the place. We'd have people plummeling into the ocean left and right.

So there you go, the fantastic dream of being able to fly anywhere alongside the realities of how badly it could be were it an actual reality. On one hand you could either fly off to Neverland with Peter Pan, and on the other, you could look like a big-haired, wind-burnt, bug-squashed mess that's plummels into the sea. The Peter Pan dream sounds way cooler to me personally. Oh the dreams we dream..

But all that to say, this new season is bringing more changes...the sun is coming out, the flowers are starting to bloom, the birds are flying to the clouds, and the winds are calling for us to move. I wonder what will happen next..

Labrynth

No I’m not referring to the strange, yet amusing movie from the 90’s that has most likely left David Bowie still wondering if his career suffered a bit after the scary spandex pants. No, I’m referring to the craziness that is called life. I know I have waaaay too many analogies but sometimes visuals are helpful. To me, anyway…

There are so many ups and downs in life, so many circumstances where you can feel like you know exactly where your feet are going to step next. But then in the next millisecond, you think you’re plummeling through a trap door. I don’t understand it, I just try to learn what God wants me to learn and hope I’ll get it fast enough to move on without completely having a meltdown.

It’s very much a maze at times, with all the unknown twists and turns…something sneaking up on you when you think you’re doing pretty well. You can even feel like you’ve found the garden in the middle where you can stop to smell the roses when, Wham! You just got hit with a new bend in the road, a new challenge for you to face. You weave in and out of these forever long paths that you just know have to lead to the way out, but when you get to what looks like the end, there’s a new turn and a new path of foreverness. Honestly, it feels like Forever is my middle name. There it is…Rebekah Forever…keep on keeping on cause it could be a while:p

Truly though, I know it won’t be forever. But it can sure feel like it with so many things to overcome and so many days gone by that seem to create even more days to come. *sigh* The maze of me! Everyone’s got their own maze, a list of challenges that goes up to the wazooey of eternal sky. On and on it goes, where it stops, I sure don’t know.

But I have a hope.

I’m going through gardens that are pleasant and beautiful right before I hit more roads of gravel and brick walls all around. I’m trying to find the right doors to go through to figure out where God wants me to be, and not be afraid of the seriously creepy gargoyles that make crazy faces and try to mock me. I’m walking on, even when my feet hurt and my shoes feel worn down and I’m pretty sure I passed that same rock five times. It’s been hard at times, but joyful in others. It’s life. I’m thankful to have it, thorns and all. I only write my frustrations or voice them so I can quickly get them out of my head and out of my way so I can move faster.

And I still have a hope.

I trust God will fulfill every promise He has given. I can’t figure this labrynth out, but God knows and as long as my plan is to follow Him…I’m definitely going to see it to the end.

A Hope and Home

There are two words that are separated by one letter in appearance, and yet are connected in meaning. Homeless and hopeless.

Obviously the meanings of these words are apparent...the absence of hope or a home. But I think I’ve come to understand them both on a personal level, which makes them jump out at me all the more when I think about them.

Many times, you walk down the street (especially in the city) and you’ll see someone that’s blatantly homeless. I mean, you can tell it just by looking at them in some cases. But there’s usually this absence of compassion for them because, in all honesty, most people don’t know what that feels like. Well over the past few years, I’ve experienced the uncertainty of life without a home. I’m thankful that I haven’t had to live on the streets physically, but extremely little separates me from it. With no home of my own and uncertainty on a daily basis of the living situation now...I see more when I look into the eyes of people on the streets. I see the blank expressions of those with no cares in the world because they have no worries, which reminds me of where I used to be. And then I see the deeply scarred expressions of those that have nothing and have been treated like they are nothing, which is what I’ve experienced recently.

With the one word, comes the other...when someone is homeless, they are also feeling hopeless. Because there’s no place to go. No place to escape, no rest from the troubles of the world. And then on top of that, people treat you like you don’t deserve to live at all. It’s a very harsh and cruel cycle the homeless go through. I know that some of them are living that way because they have fallen into drugs or other things, but there are also countless others that simply are too poor to own a place to live. Either way, they need the love of God just as much as we do.

I feel more deeply for the homeless than I ever have in my life. I see the blessings of soup kitchens and distributing food and clothes to those in need...not because you feel pity or want to do a good deed for the day, but because of love. I understand the impact of a simple hug to someone that is wounded inside from the daily hurts of people and life.

It’s definitely not been easy but I am thankful that I’m learning something from all of these years in the ‘desert.’ I can at least feel more and see a little more of how God wants us to love those that the world disregards.

"Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom He promised those who love Him?"
James 2:5

How awesome that God sees our hearts and not our wallets. He has a love for us that goes deeper than anything our imaginations can dream up, and He can use whomever He chooses to change the world.

Through all of these hard things, I still have a hope and peace that can only come from Jesus. He is my hope and where I find rest, the One who prepares a place for us...home.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."
Romans 5:3-5

Reflecting

I am absolutely, positively unsure of what’s going on inside of me right now. But I think the restlessness has returned yet again. Actually, I don’t think it ever left really....maybe subsided would be the proper term. For a time, anyway.

So I’ve started a new job and I’m ending my other job, quite a bit going on in a short amount of time. And yet while I’m at both, (neither of which are bad) I have no desire whatsoever of wanting to stay. I want to leave this place, this state, this country...and move on. I want to get on with the next season of my life and see what is finally around the corner from where I stand right now. It honestly feels like this waiting period has lasted so very long. The whole time-warp thing still comes to mind because I feel older and yet I don’t see the oldness staring back at me in the mirror so I wonder if I really could be that old.

Every time I’ve felt a stirring in my heart, we’ve left to go somewhere new. I never know where exactly that will be but it’s usually a pretty drastic change. So I guess I should continue to try and be prepared for anything. I only hope that this next departure to wherever actually ends up being to the destination that’s been grafted onto my heart.

It’s interesting to me how much the Lord teaches you without you fully grasping it, until a while later when the light turns on in your head and you finally ‘get’ it. I think before each transition that we’ve gone through, we’ve been given a short time to look back at how far God has brought us and remember where we used to be. So we can think of all the things He’s taught us and how much we’ve changed. It’s amazing, really.....to think of where I was only a year or two ago, and then to see where I am at this moment. It’s a miracle.

In the old testament, when you read in Genesis and Exodus..and throughout the Bible, really, of how the Israelites witnessed so many miracles and yet they seemed to forget them from one day to the next, you think they must have been ridiculous because how can a person possibly forget such awesome miracles? But I understand how in our humanness, we are so forgetful. It’s pretty bizarre how much we forget, really. I’ve had to write things down because I know that even though it’s a huge thing to me today, I may not remember it tomorrow....and it quickly get’s shoved under more of the everyday moments of life that just pile up. With all of those things that I’ve personally done, I am not so quick to point my finger at the Israelites anymore. It doesn’t mean that it’s a good thing, but it does mean that the Lord is teaching me how unqualified I am at judging and how much I need to change to become who He wants me to be.

I’m so thankful that in all these changes and crazy things I’ve gone through, God is leading me and guiding me to walk with Him. It’s an ever-winding road that can get me confused when I look down at the ground instead of looking at the Lord, but I’m praying constantly that He will continue to be patient with me and help me to keep going....never forgetting how far He’s brought me to reach this point.

Beginnings and Endings

Well it's definitely been quite a while since I've been writing on here.....I've been slacking:( But I've also been extremely busy, so at least it's not because I wasn't doing anything at all.

I'm happy to say that I am finally nearing the end of the job I've been working at for a while. I've gotten something that I think will be a lot more fun, considering it'll involve art and painting. Woohoo! Fun times:) So I will finally get to say goodbye to waiting on people and their perpetual angry eyes of grumpiness. Ugh. Can't say that's ever been enjoyable. In fact, it's been downright irritating. Honestly, sometimes I really wonder how the human race has survived so long. It really is a miracle you know. When choosing an item from a menu becomes an eternally long, stressful matter of life and death, you know you're in trouble. I was thinking that my last day I might want to become the smoothie nazi and tell people, "No smoothie for you!" That could be the best day ever..

So I'm excited about the change of all that. I think I get stir-crazy if I'm somewhere for too long. I wonder what that means for my future, will I be constantly moving all over the place? Oh wait, I do that anyway. Haha! Seriously though...

In other change-related news, I've got another gig coming up that should be interesting. I always think they'll be fun (and playing always is) but sometimes the nerves are somewhat of a battle. In spite of all the nerves though, my prayer is that the Lord will use me to minister to someone out there. You really never know what He's going to do, you just try to remain obedient and trust that He's guiding each step you take for a purpose.

Swinging back to my job changing subject, I sure hope people aren't as grumpy in this new painting job I'll be starting.....can't imagine how tempting it will be to use that paintbrush for evil and not for good if someone breaks out their angry eyes at me....dun dun duunnnn!