Blind Sight

I inadvertently disappeared from the face of the blog world for a spell there. Had no intention of doing such a thing, but life in all it's lovely curiousness, filled my minutes of the day and I simply forgot. Life is kind of sneaky that way....giving memories and then stealing other ones. But I am very thankful to say I have experienced much adventure in the time that has gone by, and you know how much I love adventure..

I have gone through more gypsy travels and ended up trekking back and forth across the country a couple times to reach destinations. I am in a place I never would have thought to find myself and I must say in all honesty, it's quite nice. The people are lovely and the scenery is calming. What a blessing to be somewhere that I not only made new friends, but a place where I have old friends as well! I don't think I've ever experienced this before but I'm so thankful for it.

In coming to a place so far from where I began, sacrifices had to be made. The batmobile and many lovely furniture pieces were sold. How unfortunate that life is not like in the movies or books, where people seem to have endless bank accounts and they can zip around the world at a moment's notice without even having to worry about who will feed the dog. Of course in the real world, that is just not the case. Traveling can be very grueling. It's worth it, and I'm sure any traveler would tell you they have lasting memories that they will treasure for a lifetime. But honestly, traveling is rough stuff. You have to consider baggage, what you will take and what you will leave behind....what's the biggest priority and simply not something you can live without, and what's considered more insignificant. And it's far worse with moving because you have to take everything with you. But then do you really want to take everything? Or do you need to cut costs by sifting through to make sure you're really taking the items you need....which means going through everything before you leave. Either way, you're going to find yourself fussing at no one other than you when you find out you kept clothes that went out of style when N'Sync was still around, and I'm pretty sure those pants are not going to be singing, "It's Gonna Be Me" when the sifting process is concluded.

But aside from the hard process of cleaning out clothes and considering what furniture you can take, if you can take any, there is something else that you are faced with. The uncertainty of where you're going and what you will do once you get there. Moving somewhere is both a blessing and a curse in some aspects. It's a blessing when you need a fresh start and you want to experience something new. It can seem like a curse when you don't have an extroverted personality and your sense of humor befuddles people because you use words like, "dastardly" and "malarkey" on an almost daily basis, and you have to start from scratch in building relationships. But in my experience so far, the blessings have far outweighed the so called curses.

I've truly loved being in a place that carries no baggage of my past horrors, so nobody looks at you like a poor "victim." You feel less defined by your circumstances in a way, I guess. I've loved the new friends I've made and I enjoy getting to know them and all their eccentricities. You know it's going to be a pretty good group of coworkers when they start out saying, "We're all weird here, so if you're weird too then you'll fit in." My reply was, "I can do weird." And we've gotten along very well. I guess we're proof that weirdness can make a community of like minded loonies. I have no problem with this as long as it's a harmless and amusing kind of weird. I've also loved the old friends I had before I came to this new destination. I have come to know them on a different level and feel such an appreciation for who they are and who they are becoming in the Lord. What a blessing to not only feel yourself growing up, but to be able to do it along someone else that is growing up too. Never have I been able to say before this time in my life that I was fortunate to know someone closely enough to understand my thoughts based on a facial expression I give. That can be good and bad though, considering I give a lot of facial expressions and sometimes I truly believe I'm giving a perfect pa-pa-poker face. 

But in all of this chaos of moving through life in a whirlwind, learning what you're really made of, discovering what really makes you passionate in life, growing out of the Peter Pan syndrome, loving someone more than yourself.....I can say with certainty that it requires you to close your eyes to all the things you see with your human perspective so you can see things with a perspective of Christ. You have to walk blindly, not knowing where your feet will touch down but trusting that when God is leading you to go, He won't let you fall into the depths of despair. He will provide. It looks impossible, because it is impossible. But He makes it possible because He's showing you who He is in those impossibilities. 

To walk with such trust can mean to go against your very nature and step out when you would normally do nothing of the kind. To get a job where you wouldn't normally pursue one because you see that the Lord has opened the door there for a specific purpose. To allow your heart barriers to come down and love someone, allowing them to see all your hurts when you usually keep a safe distance based on past experiences. And to look for opportunities to minister when you're in a location that still requires you to use the assistance of a GPS because you have a tendency to take "detours"..

The traveling is grueling, but He gives courage to go and strength to endure the journey. The uncertainty of your future is stressful, but He gives peace in the middle of those doubts and joy to encourage you. The new page in your story is lonely sometimes, but He gives new relationships to shower your thirsty heart with love. He does it all, He teaches and provides. 

So never be afraid of the next step in life, the journey is where you learn the most.

Bat Signal

There are times in life when I wish I could be bold and fearless exactly when I need to be. That would be so nice. I'd love to put on a superhero cape of fearlessness and run around, hopefully with a wind machine blowing a breeze in front of me. Seems only right. I just think it would be really convenient if I could just pull out some bravery as quickly I pull out some chapstick from my bag.


Why is it that when I want to have this burst of heroic courage, I feel so nervous and uncertain? In my lion moments, I end up feeling like a mouse. It just really frosts my cookies when I have all this boldness raring to go, right up until the moment when I need to show it. Err. Fear is such a drag. 


I think there's only 1 thing left to do when this becomes a frequent occurrence; do something that requires a truckload of boldness, and attack that thing with all that I've got. Seems like a good plan, no? I'm sure it is! Almost. Well, maybe it sounds crazy, but I would at least like to face my fears and learn how to conquer this recurring battle.


So hear I go! Off to face the unknown terror that is my own imagination! Off to fight the foe of uncertainty and doubt! I will fight the dragon of cowardice and regret, and win! That is the plan, and the hope, and the prayer. 


I don't really know what will happen in all these situations that keep flying up in my face, I know they're aggravating and discouraging to look back on when I haven't reacted in the way that I think I should have. But you learn as you go in life, and I'm determined to keep trying and persevering through each day. This could finally be the time where I get it right! I could finally figure out how to see the bat signal of boldness flying in the night sky, and jump in my suit of courage to kung fu fight my nerves! Matrix style even..


Ok, here goes...*gulp*....(insert superhero music here.)

Quiet Everness

“If you've been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you - you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

I understand the quietness that was referred to in this quote. It's very strange. It's not that you simply are quiet outside, but that you actually feel quiet inside and reflect that out. There are some things that happen in such a way that you are left without the proper words to speak. In these moments, I can listen to the music...but I can't sing the song. I can hear the phone ring, but I can't answer. It's not that I'm paralyzed from shock or anything, I just feel quiet.

It doesn't always come after tears though, sometimes you can feel so quiet that you can't even find tears as an outlet. There's nothing. Just quiet. The quietness can envelope your world, or at least the way you see it anyway. It doesn't feel like depression though, it's not a mood brought on by something flippant. No...when something that you can't quite grasp or something of perplexing depth occurs, the quiet everness can occasionally fall like snow around you and engulf your perception. Almost like the snow becomes tiny little parachutes that hush all the sound..

There's a certain point that you can reach the level of quietness in this quote; when you are worn out from grief. You're tired and you have no fight in you, a kind of surrender that's come when you're too exhausted for objections.

I also think it's the point where your soul knows it just needs to pause.....to stop all talking and all thoughts, and just listen. When your soul needs to hear the voice that it longs for, the voice that can speak life into you, the voice that gives direction and encouragement. The voice of the Lord. His voice can calm the furies and the raging seas around me, it can bring me to my knees and it can also bring me to my feet. I love His voice. He wakes me in the morning with His words of love, He deflects discouragement with His comfort throughout my day, He cheers me on and tells me to take heart when my day get's harder & longer, and He speaks peace over me so I can sleep at night. I love His voice. It's my favorite voice to hear.

Right now I feel quiet. That may change in the next minute, hour, day or so on...but for this particular moment, I feel quiet. I'm listening for my favorite voice to speak and guide me. And so far I feel like His voice is saying, "Keep loving....and keep going."

So if going through the emotional tempests is what it takes for me to enter into the quiet everness, where I hear God's voice....then ok. I will go through it without complaint. To hear Him speak is worth the trek.

"Be still, my soul - the Lord is on thy side!

Bear patiently the cross of grief and pain;

Leave to thy God to order and provide -

In ev'ry change He faithful will remain

Be still, my soul - thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end."

- Be Still My Soul (hymn)

Elves vs. Giants

The anticipation brought on by the title is probably too much to bear, I'm sure! That is why I will give a full explanation at once. (Please cease all nail biting..)

I wonder why people can regard the significance of other people based on height. "How did you come to surmise such a thing?" you may say. Well I think I have sufficient evidence...of the mind. And also, I really like the word surmise. So here is my argument...conclude what you will.

I had three people come in to my workplace to be waited on, 1 small lady that was the obvious adult, 1 medium lady that was questionably in adulthood, and 1 viking man that could smite a kingdom standing behind them. They requested he be charged as a child. My blank stare ensued. They assured me he was 15. My blank stare ensued. They showed me his I.D. There was still a lot of ensuing of the staring. How could Conan the Barbarian have a legal identification card from the government stating that he was still a child? Did the White House feel some sort of courtesy was owed to him after he chopped down an entire forest with an axe of injustice? Maybe he helped them conquer Iceland? I know not. But I couldn't understand why this burly man that could cast a shadow on the majority of the Great Wall of China, was passing me a little card that said he must be regarded as a child. He could eat 3 of me. But ok. Alright then.

It's not that the brick wall boy was not nice, it's just that he was so very ginormous. You know? And the jolly little lady that was the obvious adult seemed completely unaware of the height difference, or that I was wondering if he secretly made spears to throw at people in his spare time. It's a valid concern. And then I thought of how I might possibly handle a request for help from either of them...hmm...If the jolly little lady came up and demanded more help, I would walk with general concern over to where she was and hopefully assist her in the best way possible, while also being a tiny bit t-o'ed for lack of simply asking. On the other hand....if Sven the spear thrower came over to demand help, I would hit mach 5 while running for the closest exit and screaming for everyone to run for their lives. The height seems more menacing. Even if the jolly little lady turned out to be a secret spy of deadliness, I would still feel the urge to call her 'little' and 'jolly.'

But the irony of that is that I'm on the shorter end of the height stick. I really wish I were tall enough to reach the top shelf without the assistance of a disheartening 2-step ladder, or even be able to see past heads during a concert. And the movie theaters? What am I, a magnet for all the Norsemen in the world?? Stop sitting in front of me during a movie! There's no one else in the theater, but for some reason, that is the one seat you must sit upon. Thank you. I've always wanted to pay a boatload of money to see the backside of a freakishly large earlobe. Great. I'm sorry, but I think I just beat you with my pack of twizzlers.....in my mind..

It does seem to me that people can be assumed to be more important when they have more height. It can be unintentional, I know. But it happens just the same. I'm guilty of it myself. Maybe it's the whole, they could snap me in two with their big arms of tree trunkness. (That's a word, it's new.) Or maybe it's just that they seem to look down on you, so there must be a reason for it. I mean, my sister used to occasionally stand on tables when she talked to me when we were younger and when I asked her why, she just genuinely wanted to look down while talking. So, it seemed efficient. O_o

Sometimes it can make you seem less significant though, if you feel like a kid among adults. Can't be helped when it's something you inherit, but it does make me appreciate boot season. But even then, you can tend to have the 'elf' syndrome. No....I'm not referring to the tall elves of Rivendell, that speak in slow motion and make sure to sway their hair from side to side in unison. I'm talkin' Keebler, people. It's the Keeblers vs. The Jolly Green Giants. It's easy to feel small when you stand small. But it doesn't have to..

I think I'm learning an awareness of what makes me feel small and how God makes me feel secure in any circumstance. It's slow, cause I'm a slow learner:p But I'm learning in any case. I'm not 9 ft tall, and I don't look like a model. And I can't throw spears at people, yet. But I'm me, and I'm who God made me. I'm thankful to be alive and kickin', and I'm thankful for who He continues to make me. I appreciate that when I see kids, I relate to the feelings they have of being small, and that helps me talk to them as if they're not. And I like that I can buy child size shoes, cause they're cheaper. And I have a sneaking suspicion that if I were in a fight with Conan, I could just shoot rope around his legs, thus making him fall to the ground in defeat. Kind of like in 'The Empire Strikes Back' in Star Wars, when they would whip around those robots in the snow and make them fall...well you get the idea. I could take him though. Or......I could just use a taser. But still!

Sometimes when I see people that seem so big in the world, I wonder how big Goliath was exactly. He was literally a giant. I see people that I think are giants everyday, but they probably seem that way to me because I descended from the leprechaun people. We have gold, we like rainbows, and we eat colorful marshmallows in our cereal. Don't judge.

But I do wonder about how that must have looked compared to David. How small was he? Here was this massive goon that led an entire army of massive goons, and he was picking up some rocks and running into battle. I want to be that brave. I want to look at my massive problems in life and run full force at them, trusting that God will take these small rocks and use them to pierce through the head of each battle. I want to do that. I want to be so bold that I don't get shaken by who stands over me, or look down at people that stand lower than me. I want to be humble to talk to everyone with the same love that God talks to me with, no matter who they are or what they look like, or how many axes of injustice they may carry.

I hope I can continue to learn as I go, slow as it may seem. One step at a time is still one step closer to wherever God is leading me:)

Battlefield

Well I suppose we must begin today by paging our soundtrack to befit the post......here comes Pat Benatar. Yes, indeed. Heartache to heartache. Have no fear, I haven't attempted the old 80's hairstyle to coincide with the music.

While you are inspired to do the dancing of the era (which is basically moving from side to side with painful, jerky looking movements) I shall explain my own inspiration for the post. Well...in general terms, of course:)

I know, I know....from the archives of my blog you can most likely see the insertion of hard situations that I have had with certain people that shall remain mysterious to outsiders. But no matter how hard the circumstance or trouble or pain, they still remain deeply woven in my heart. Why is this? Because it's something that the Lord placed on my heart that I am unable to ignore.

The normal reaction is to cut the foe of pain out of your life, it's what we all do....much like if you get a splinter. You get it out, get it away, do anything you can to dig that thing out and not feel the soreness or pain from it. Bleh, I hate those things. Pain really can linger to make you miserable even from the smallest things, can't it? Don't even get me started on the subject of stubbing toes.....Good. Gosh.

Obviously people are different and not to be put in the same category as stubbing your toe (and why is it always the little one??) or getting a splinter (what's up the ones that get under your fingernail? How does that even happen?) People are more important and relationships are far deeper than the temporary effects of a tiny physical pain, though they may both inspire similar facial expressions..

One of my favorite stories to read is, 'The Faerie Queene" by Edmund Spenser. Oh my goodness, so interesting and exciting. My favorite character is Britomart, a lady knight that fought more bravely than many men and was never turned away from her mission. She helped people and fought in battles without flinching, but her purpose was always in front of her and she never strayed from it. She searched for the one that her heart loved and never gave in to the temptations of the world or any other distractions that could possibly have changed her mind. Her heart was set, her goal determined, and her path was established. There was even a time when she fought the actual knight that she was searching for, yet she stayed steadfast.

I know it's a fictional story, a beautifully written tale about characters that don't exist, doing things that we've never heard people doing.....but I find it interesting in many aspects. I think it's neat to see so much symbolism wrapped in those stories that I may be able to apply to my own. Even though I can't wield a sword, or ride a horse, or conquer fortresses, or save towns from evil ogres.....I can stay steadfast. I can fight off the sadness and discouragement of rejection while I continue to love someone that doesn't love me. I can be obedient to the calling that I know, without a doubt, that God has given me. I can stay on the course set before me and I can do it to the best of my ability, even when I feel like I am the weakest and most insignificant person on earth. I can try.

Sometimes I fight in prayer for those that I love the most, only to turn around and be pierced through the heart by the sword of those I fight for. I don't understand these things. But I understand that God doesn't leave my side through a second of it. I'm not alone to face the ogres that look nothing like Shrek and have no sense of humor at all. He's here. And He is going to turn these things around so I can finally see the full picture of it all. Why I see it in Ipod form when I really need to see it in Imax form, is beyond me. But there's a purpose for it all.

So I'm going to keep riding, with my armor on to deflect the enemy from dumping discouragement on me. I will keep my sword and shield handy, cause those ugly dragons don't roast marshmallows and they mean business. I will keep fighting for the ones that I love, because I still love them. And even if they choose to never love me back, or decide they would rather fight against me, I will still love them and fight for them. Cause that's what real love is. The best and truest form of love is Jesus, who exemplifies love in it's purest form.

So to the person (s) that I write this specific post to; I always have and always will continue to love you no matter what you've done, what you're doing, or what you will do.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

-Ephesians 6:10-18

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Caped Crusader

The curiosities of life seem to get bigger as a person gets older, I think. Either that, or sanity just gets smaller....I'm not entirely sure which one is better, though I'm willing to bet money that you can find medication for both.

The reason why I was thinking of the curiosities of life, is that I keep finding more and more of them. Goodness, you'd think by now that I would get the hang of it. But no. Just as discombobulated as ever. I'm sure this is no surprise to any reader of even just 1 of these posts, it's rather obvious that I have anything but a normal life;)

I wonder, however, if I'm so used to the odd things...that I get bored of the normal things. (In the off chance that I would experience something considered 'normal.') But I guess the average, or pretty much anything that's not classified as crazy, seems strange. So many things have happened in the past few years that I think I've gotten used to the constantly moving snowball effect of weirdness, and when things don't happen on a regular basis like they have, I start to wonder if I've hit a wall.

It's not a bad thing to get off the crazy train, I just think sometimes the movement of the train (however crazy it is) somehow means that there is at least movement. When I don't feel the twists & turns on the railway of looniness, I start to think that there could be a possibility that I've just stopped and I'm not getting anywhere. At least with some movement, there's the glimmer of hope that you will reach your destination. When movement stops, getting to that next stop seems to feel like an impossibility.

Life seems slow right now....in some senses anyway. There is still the hum of constant craziness that goes without saying, because let's face it, I come from a long line of crazy and it's definitely not going to disappear at any point in time. But the quietness is what seems to make me restless lately. I'm feeling like I need to bust outta this joint and go somewhere that I can explore. The everyday rat race is zapping all the coal in my crazy train, making me feel like I am just plum tired all the time. I sure hope a time of refreshing adventure is right around the corner, otherwise, someone might be seeing a crazy blond running down the street with a cape on. If it's windy. Every windy day is the perfect reason to wear a cape.

I wonder why people don't wear capes anyhow? Wouldn't it make life a little more interesting if we all got to do something a little out of the ordinary....well, more out of the ordinary than others? I should think so. It definitely would take the 'mundane' out of Mondays, that's for sure. It's something to consider.

There are a lot of places out there in the world, most of which, I have never seen or experienced personally...but I would really like to mark my map quite a bit more with those nifty little flags that world travelers always seem to have on hand. Life is just so short! There's so much to experience! My crazy train can't slow down now, I'm just getting used to it! Somebody better get some more coal, cause I'm grabbing a mask and putting on my superhero boots.....I'm determined not to let this life of mine become dull with average every days. I will do as much as I can to become someone that stamps a symbol of light up in the sky for everyone to see. Move over Batman, the mini-blond is coming through! On a side note: I have the batmobile....it's much smaller that expected, but at least it drives well.

Next up; theme song choosing. Suggestions are welcomed:)

The Mundane Life of a Caterpillar

I was just thinking about the monotonous days of life, when nothing interesting seems to happen, besides the growing annoyance of construction that happens at unearthly hours of the morning. Why does life seem to like throwing the most mundane curve balls on such a consistent basis? And what exactly is the construction crew building out there? There is no building to speak of, where is the drill going?? So many unanswered questions.

No one's life goes at a continual level of rocket-powered roller coaster speeds that are chalked full of adventure and excitement, but I do have to wonder why it insists on going so slow that would make even Miss Daisy get anxious for the gas pedal. Come on life! Get a move on already, I'm not getting any younger here! Sometimes I shake my fist at you.

Each day has the potential to be what you make of it in certain aspects. I get a bit of satisfaction out of accomplishing as much as possible while I'm at work, even if it's just mopping or dusting. Something about crossing off those to-do lists makes me feel like I've been productive. But honestly, the desire to burst out the doors and catapult into the clouds just seems to get bigger everyday. I guess this would be a good time to have wings..

Oh, wings! Why can't I get some so I can jump over these buildings and enjoy the breeze? True, they might make clothing choices a smidge difficult, but I feel as if scissors could help in that area. If I were a bird, I'm pretty sure I would be a penguin because I would be one of the few birds that couldn't fly...and I trip over my own feet. How this happens when my feet are so small, I will never know. But it does. Don't judge me.

I wonder what a caterpillar feels like before it turns into a butterfly....I mean, is it an anxious little bugger? Or is it just super mellow and chilled out with weaving that gross looking cocoon? And how long does it have to feel like a big wiggly worm before it gets to soar above the flowers? Does it feel like a few days? A few years? Does it feel resentment over other caterpillars that have grown their wings early on? Does it throw pollen at them and shake it's antennae in bug fury? Does it go to the preying mantis for therapy and kung fu lessons? I don't know, but it's something to consider.

My everyday blahs are making a cocoon so big, I think it may turn out to be a cocoon skyscraper. I'm weaving and weaving and weaving....and I'm not reaching the end of this thing! *Beats head into cocoon wall*

I must be a very late bloomer, indeed. I do hope I come out of this cocoon soon though, it's awfully stifling. I wonder what color wings I will have, or how big they'll be. I sure hope I don't end up looking like that big caterpillar from 'A Bug's Life,' with a great big worm's body and itty bitty wings. That just wouldn't do at all. I hope I have mondo wings of mondo-ness. Hopefully this extra big cocoon is supposed to mean that I have more room to grow my mondo wings. And hopefully when it's all over I won't have to see another cocoon again....even just using the word makes me think of old people and aliens...and that one guy selling quaker oats and diabetes products. I definitely would rather be discussing the best trees to leap off of in order to catch some major wind surfing action with my butterfly wings. Definitely.

Until then, I suppose I shall have to keep weaving...and weaving...and weaving. And possibly contain myself from throwing pollen at passing butterflies. And I won't be needing any therapy lessons from Mr. Mantis. But I will certainly sign up for his kung fu sessions.....

I'm sure I've probably already used this verse in reference to a previous post, but it's one of my faves:)

"I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest - I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.""

-Psalm 55:6-8