Caped Crusader

The curiosities of life seem to get bigger as a person gets older, I think. Either that, or sanity just gets smaller....I'm not entirely sure which one is better, though I'm willing to bet money that you can find medication for both.

The reason why I was thinking of the curiosities of life, is that I keep finding more and more of them. Goodness, you'd think by now that I would get the hang of it. But no. Just as discombobulated as ever. I'm sure this is no surprise to any reader of even just 1 of these posts, it's rather obvious that I have anything but a normal life;)

I wonder, however, if I'm so used to the odd things...that I get bored of the normal things. (In the off chance that I would experience something considered 'normal.') But I guess the average, or pretty much anything that's not classified as crazy, seems strange. So many things have happened in the past few years that I think I've gotten used to the constantly moving snowball effect of weirdness, and when things don't happen on a regular basis like they have, I start to wonder if I've hit a wall.

It's not a bad thing to get off the crazy train, I just think sometimes the movement of the train (however crazy it is) somehow means that there is at least movement. When I don't feel the twists & turns on the railway of looniness, I start to think that there could be a possibility that I've just stopped and I'm not getting anywhere. At least with some movement, there's the glimmer of hope that you will reach your destination. When movement stops, getting to that next stop seems to feel like an impossibility.

Life seems slow right now....in some senses anyway. There is still the hum of constant craziness that goes without saying, because let's face it, I come from a long line of crazy and it's definitely not going to disappear at any point in time. But the quietness is what seems to make me restless lately. I'm feeling like I need to bust outta this joint and go somewhere that I can explore. The everyday rat race is zapping all the coal in my crazy train, making me feel like I am just plum tired all the time. I sure hope a time of refreshing adventure is right around the corner, otherwise, someone might be seeing a crazy blond running down the street with a cape on. If it's windy. Every windy day is the perfect reason to wear a cape.

I wonder why people don't wear capes anyhow? Wouldn't it make life a little more interesting if we all got to do something a little out of the ordinary....well, more out of the ordinary than others? I should think so. It definitely would take the 'mundane' out of Mondays, that's for sure. It's something to consider.

There are a lot of places out there in the world, most of which, I have never seen or experienced personally...but I would really like to mark my map quite a bit more with those nifty little flags that world travelers always seem to have on hand. Life is just so short! There's so much to experience! My crazy train can't slow down now, I'm just getting used to it! Somebody better get some more coal, cause I'm grabbing a mask and putting on my superhero boots.....I'm determined not to let this life of mine become dull with average every days. I will do as much as I can to become someone that stamps a symbol of light up in the sky for everyone to see. Move over Batman, the mini-blond is coming through! On a side note: I have the batmobile....it's much smaller that expected, but at least it drives well.

Next up; theme song choosing. Suggestions are welcomed:)

The Mundane Life of a Caterpillar

I was just thinking about the monotonous days of life, when nothing interesting seems to happen, besides the growing annoyance of construction that happens at unearthly hours of the morning. Why does life seem to like throwing the most mundane curve balls on such a consistent basis? And what exactly is the construction crew building out there? There is no building to speak of, where is the drill going?? So many unanswered questions.

No one's life goes at a continual level of rocket-powered roller coaster speeds that are chalked full of adventure and excitement, but I do have to wonder why it insists on going so slow that would make even Miss Daisy get anxious for the gas pedal. Come on life! Get a move on already, I'm not getting any younger here! Sometimes I shake my fist at you.

Each day has the potential to be what you make of it in certain aspects. I get a bit of satisfaction out of accomplishing as much as possible while I'm at work, even if it's just mopping or dusting. Something about crossing off those to-do lists makes me feel like I've been productive. But honestly, the desire to burst out the doors and catapult into the clouds just seems to get bigger everyday. I guess this would be a good time to have wings..

Oh, wings! Why can't I get some so I can jump over these buildings and enjoy the breeze? True, they might make clothing choices a smidge difficult, but I feel as if scissors could help in that area. If I were a bird, I'm pretty sure I would be a penguin because I would be one of the few birds that couldn't fly...and I trip over my own feet. How this happens when my feet are so small, I will never know. But it does. Don't judge me.

I wonder what a caterpillar feels like before it turns into a butterfly....I mean, is it an anxious little bugger? Or is it just super mellow and chilled out with weaving that gross looking cocoon? And how long does it have to feel like a big wiggly worm before it gets to soar above the flowers? Does it feel like a few days? A few years? Does it feel resentment over other caterpillars that have grown their wings early on? Does it throw pollen at them and shake it's antennae in bug fury? Does it go to the preying mantis for therapy and kung fu lessons? I don't know, but it's something to consider.

My everyday blahs are making a cocoon so big, I think it may turn out to be a cocoon skyscraper. I'm weaving and weaving and weaving....and I'm not reaching the end of this thing! *Beats head into cocoon wall*

I must be a very late bloomer, indeed. I do hope I come out of this cocoon soon though, it's awfully stifling. I wonder what color wings I will have, or how big they'll be. I sure hope I don't end up looking like that big caterpillar from 'A Bug's Life,' with a great big worm's body and itty bitty wings. That just wouldn't do at all. I hope I have mondo wings of mondo-ness. Hopefully this extra big cocoon is supposed to mean that I have more room to grow my mondo wings. And hopefully when it's all over I won't have to see another cocoon again....even just using the word makes me think of old people and aliens...and that one guy selling quaker oats and diabetes products. I definitely would rather be discussing the best trees to leap off of in order to catch some major wind surfing action with my butterfly wings. Definitely.

Until then, I suppose I shall have to keep weaving...and weaving...and weaving. And possibly contain myself from throwing pollen at passing butterflies. And I won't be needing any therapy lessons from Mr. Mantis. But I will certainly sign up for his kung fu sessions.....

I'm sure I've probably already used this verse in reference to a previous post, but it's one of my faves:)

"I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest - I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.""

-Psalm 55:6-8

Neverending Story

Don't start singing the theme song just yet, there's no Falcor flying at this particular moment. But just wait....I'll get to the singing in just a bit. Promise.

Well my long overdue entry of word puzzlement is in serious need of attention. So I shall remedy this at once. :)

Much has happened in the last months that I have been away....as much always seems to happen in such a small amount of time. But in these past days, it's a distinct change in direction of where I thought I would be. I've grown close to some, and far away from others...I've started new adventures, and ended old ones. Very mind boggling, to say the least. Even I can't quite keep up because it seems that my mind & my feet are on very different levels of speed. I'm sure you can imagine what that might look like on a treadmill of reality, I know I can see someone in a gym running at full speed because the level on the treadmill is way too fast for them to keep up, and then they accidentally push the 'power' button instead of the 'slow the heck down' button, and SHHWWOOM! They go flying into the wall. Yeah, that'd be me. No need for youtube, I can envision it just fine.

I must have a strange sort of heart, I think. The kind that hides itself as best as possible but ends up being very much like an ostrich with the head stuck in a hole. You can't hide it if you wear it on your sleeve. But that's the way it is. Guarded but wholehearted. Friendly but fragile. Utterly strange combination. Much like polka-dots and stripes....it is what it is. But at least I appreciate bold patterns:)

I wish very much that friendships didn't seem to have seasons and people could remain as close tomorrow as they felt yesterday. But people move away or hurts fling across the room like pies in the face (minus the Stooges) and life whirls on by without so much as a hiccup. To understand that things happen out of your control is obviously a good thing, but it doesn't seem to make it one bit easier. Not even a kasmidgeon. (I'm almost sure that's a word.)

My defense through the pie throwing, friend departing times is to hide my heart....in the ostrich hole....and try not to allow myself to get so close next time. Doesn't work, mind you, but the plan is mapped out and the attempt is made with genuine gusto. Maybe with even a little 'tude thrown in there. It's not a good defense, I know, but I run out of options and get terribly discouraged about it all.....wondering what went wrong...if I threw a pie with an especially tart lemon meringue that may have left a bad aftertaste. You know, just the normal things everyone thinks about. But it's still so puzzling.

Within this short time period that has tried to sprint ahead and left me with no 'slow the heck down' button, I have felt the absence of a most dear friend, indeed. It's truly a tricky subject to speak of, and so I refrain from speaking of it at all in any detail with anyone. Normally it would help to speak about things out loud in order to fully let go of any hurts and understand what may have occurred, but not in this particular instance. I'm completely speechless. I guess you're wondering how speechless I could possibly be if I've already given a few sizable 'mini-graphs' on the matter. But I seem to travel through the whole maze before I actually reach the center....so I haven't arrived at the core of it just yet. Hence the reason to refrain from the theme song.

With this most dear friend, I tried to hide my heart even more so than any other time. Of course, you know how that goes....that's when you give your heart away the most. A cruel irony, I should think. And so it happened with me, the heart was given...the pies were flown, and now I stand here with no heart, no clue as to what happened, and an entirely unflattering splatter of meringue all over my face. *Sigh*

What can be done in this circumstance? Nothing. Can I build a ship to sail across my sea of a thousand tears and never return to the hurts I feel? Not when the biggest thing you've built is a chair that comes in 5 easy pieces to snap together right out of the box, and even then, you always worry what will happen when you sit down. So here I am, standing in this little spot thinking of all these odd things and wondering how long I'll be here before I can move to the next spot.

It's normal for me to just go right on with life, maybe move around a bit (as gypsies tend to do.) But this is one time I can't move. I don't have the ability to get out of this one, though I will continue to live life as fully as possible where I am. It's rather surprising to find that this a circumstance I have to wait on in a different way than I have before. I have to wait on the Lord to release me from this and give me the ability to go where He wants me to go. It's an unknown territory for me to be in.....realizing that things are not completed here and I must wait to see what He will do to bring them back around. I don't know what all this will mean, I just know that my heart is not moving on for some reason and He's told me to hold on.

So I'm waiting now......in a new way. The heart-train has stopped and is waiting for the Conductor to blow the whistle so we can chug back along these ever winding tracks. Very curious.

I suppose this is where my story ends for the moment......or does it? *Feel free to insert the theme song here while looking up in the sky for Falcor* Falcooooooor!!! Faaallcoooorr!!!

I'm sorry, but it had to be done. You just can't look for him without screaming the name, it's just a given. ;)

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

-Psalm 37:4

The Misters

I made a recent discovery that I thought was very interesting, while also unsettling....an observance about my own way of thinking. Though observing your own thoughts seems to sound even more unsettling now that I write it...maybe that should be more of a concern....but I'll proceed anyhow. Because randomness will happen either way, so here goes..

After having a bit of a tiring and busy week recently, I was really dealing with some discouragement and anxiety. It was a pile up of many different things that caused me to feel strung out, which really makes you more susceptible to discouragement. But it felt like it hit harder with an addition of frustration from other situations. All that to say, here is my discovery:

I have found an analogy that encompasses most of the turmoil that goes on in my noggin.....meet the Misters; I have a Mr. Imagination and a Mr. Logic.

When I have odd miscommunications with people or a strange occurrence arises (which obviously is pretty often in Wonderland) I tend to have swirling arguments inside my mind about it. On the one hand, I've got Mr. Logic, who seems to be well aware of the reasonable and sensible excuse for it. Everything is fine in Logicland because I know things are not that big a deal and molehills really are just molehills.

On the other hand though, is Mr. Imagination, who is quite an adventurer. While Mr. Logic takes a seat on a rather nice bench at the bottom of a mountain view, pausing to peacefully take in the serenity of the scene....Mr. Imagination has grabbed a dirtbike and hit the gas so hard that dirt flies into the face of Mr. Logic. Yes, he's a gonner....flying through the air with suspicions of drama, popping wheelies of despair over the possibility of hurts, and doing backflips with feelings of sorrow. I told you he was quite the adventurer. Never stays still for a moment, that one.

And while there are plenty of times where people really are oddballs and considerably rude in nature, there are also plenty of times where things are not always as they seem. I just need to learn to slow Mr. Imagination down and deflate his bmx tires. The dude is outta control. Or maybe he's IN control, and that's the problem. Either way, there's an inner turmoil that happens when I allow my mind to swirl here and there, thinking the worst instead of praying for the best. And it hurts myself more than anything else.

And of course, as it turns out...Mr. Logic is very soft spoken, while Mr. Imagination happens to be well trained in the use of his diaphragm. Isn't that how it always is? *Sigh* Yes, this is an unfun situation indeed, for the two Misters do not get along at all. And they aren't even as amusing as the two hecklers from the muppets. Tragic.

But I think it's a good thing to learn about myself, and hopefully I'm not the only one with the two Misters War. Because if it turned out to be something like that, I'd be in serious trouble....though I'm going to choose to refrain from allowing Mr. Imagination to attempt to compete in the Winter X Games and not proceed any further with the possible nuthouse scenarios..But just know that he's extremely eager to take flight lessons with that one.

Anyway, I'm going to try very hard not to allow Mr. Imagination to go skydiving whenever a situation that I don't understand comes in my line of view. Obviously, I'll try to steer him into staying in the writing business....but it shall be a daunting task, to be sure.

Alright Mr. Logic, I'm going to sit on this here bench with you for as long as I can. But I'm going to need some serious prayer to stay because as it is, I'm a huge motorcycle fan...and Mr. Imagination drives a two-seater.

I'm praying for wisdom and peace, while the Lord continues to teach me to capture my thoughts and continue the course on this very long road:)

"We demolish arguments and pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
-2 Corinthians 10:5

Novel Ideas

Today seems like it will be a lovely, yet humidity-filled day:) I'm all for the lovely part though, so no complaints. I'll gladly take it over being cold and stormy anyday, although I do enjoy a good thunderstorm here and there.

Yesterday I began another edit sweep-through of my biggest book. I'm hoping that it will make it easier to read & connect the dialog more than it's current state. I guess we'll have to see the end results. It's very difficult to find a good person to edit these kinds of things, seeing as to how it would really require someone who is not only skilled in doing it but also has a love for reading. But I'll just do the best I can at the moment and see what the Lord brings about.

I love using my free time to make things....whether it be writing a story, plucking out a tune, drawing a picture, or painting art...it makes me feel like I've used my time more constructively. And considering how easy it is to sit and veg out, sometimes it's a great battle to make yourself get up and do something.

I have a list made of all the books I would like to write. I don't know if I'll get to them all, but there it is just in case I do. Of course, I know that I don't have any profound skills in the area of writing, but I don't mind taking a swing at it and seeing what turns up. It doesn't have to be the most eloquent or perfectly written material, I'm just thankful for the outlet to get some ideas out of my noggin.

Yesterday, I tried to do a search for more material on the subject of editing, because I would love to learn more about it and try to polish my writing more. Turns out everyone is an expert and everyone would gladly give you some help....for a hefty some of money that could rival the amount of a mortgage loan on your house. Isn't that so generous? I thought so too. Such givers. It's a wonder there's any dreams that don't bloom into reality when you have such generous souls dwelling among us.

Oh well, it doesn't make things impossible. It just makes them a bit trickier to maneuver around, and much more appreciated if they do come about. And with such a peace, knowing that God is in control even when I think life is drunk with discouragement, I can keep trying because I know there's a reason for it. It's not a waste of time and it's not stupid, no matter how many "No's" I hear in the process.

So hear goes another effort in the swirling world of storytelling.....


"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
-Phillipians 4:13

Mosaic Heart

It's been a good deal of time since I've given a few words about my land of wonder...so I guess I shall add something new, so you can wonder with me as well.

There is a bit of confusion in my mind of a certain occurrence that seems to happen quite frequently....friends becoming unfriendly. People change in life and they grow or shrink in maturity, it's a fact. But I wonder how someone you fought alongside with in the war of the worlds, can become the one you fight against. How do you change sides without the slightest conviction? Is it really that easy to do? I always assumed not, but I am beginning to think otherwise.

If you know someone as well as you thought you knew them, then why doubt that knowledge to believe in things that are untrue? Perhaps it's not simply to reject a friend...perhaps it's more to reject any reminder of what is right and what is wrong. If you know someone will not blindly follow after the crowd, but you're all too eager to do so...maybe removing the person that speaks truth will somehow eliminate any feelings of conviction.

I think it tragic to exchange someone's love for you with carelessness & scorn. But I guess going to bed feeling like your poor lifestyle choices are justified is worth it in the end, right? As long as there is no remorse, then crushing someone's heart is completely worth it, I'm sure. At least, this is what I'm assuming must be the mentality, considering it's done so often.

This isn't a post to spout off a victimized letter of 'who done it' or a 'woe is me' rant to paint myself as innocent. It's just to do what I normally do...sort out some thoughts on a blog that is appropriately labeled as Wonderland, which is exactly what I mirror my crazytown of a life alongside.

I know that people make mistakes, and I've made a good number of them myself. But I also value people, especially those that I hold dear. I try to be honest to their faces & guardians to their backs. But it's not always reciprocated. Sometimes it is for a season, and then it fades. Other times, the honesty isn't appreciated and so the friendship doesn't stand through any trial. But I do try to be a good friend. It's just hurtful to be the only friend in the fight. I can't be the only one initiating contact or giving encouragement. Relationships are not one way back alley streets, they are busy interstates that go on forever. You have to build on them and repair potholes, give them constant maintenance & improvements while making room for expansion.

I don't know why there is so much hurt in my life. I know that the Lord teaches me new things through the hurts & that He heals my heart from them. But I just couldn't tell you while I stand in the middle of the trees, where the forest lays. I can't understand right now why I have to go through these things, but I know that once the Lord get's me through them, I'll be able to look back and finally see.

Many people can understand what it feels like to say you've felt broken, or that your heart's been broken. Our hearts are curious things, brilliantly made to beat inside us and feel emotions that are vastly different...but somehow they must be so fragile, because they can hurt so easily.

I used to think that my heart was so broken in the past that there was no way I would ever feel hurt again, but obviously I was wrong. But I do think that by the time I finally move on from here, I'm not going to have much left of it in one piece. As of this moment, my heart looks awfully shattered on the ground. There they are.....millions of little pieces, glittering with joy & love....all staring back to me in shreds. My heart isn't one big piece any more, but I'm thankful that God can take my pieces and make something that He loves out of it.


"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
-Psalm 147:3

Clovers

While I was exploring different parts of Ireland, I came across this saying that I thought was so sweet..."A friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find but lucky to have." It most likely seems corny and geared towards getting the tourists to buy something shiny, but I still liked it. It comes to mind at this moment, while I sort through my swirling thoughts about where I am right now...

I've been through quite a few struggles, most of which, I don't even write about because they seem to be endless. But in each struggle, the Lord has taken my hand and guided me through it, step by step, so that I can learn from them and grow. When you have to deal with frequent circumstances where people leave you or let you down, you become distrustful and leary of being close to anybody because you want to protect your heart from hurting more. I'm thankful to say, God has given me some dear friends in a short amount of time that I've treasured greatly.

I know that they will never understand how much I value them, how much I have been blessed to share some time and get to know them. It's something I can't fully put to words because it's hard to express all that you feel inside. It's hard to show someone your life in full span -where they can see the absolute anguish people made you feel with their acts of cruelty or simple lack of compassion. And it's hard to let people know how much you safeguard the inner circle around you because you are so very particular about who you allow to know you well. I've tried to say it as best I can but I still don't think I do all that great of a job:p

The years that I've seen so many people act carelessly have made me somewhat of a loner, I would usually like to do things by myself or with only family members because I live differently than what some would classify as 'normal.' It doesn't bother me to be different, in fact, I don't like fitting in with the crowd or blending in with the scenery. There just doesn't seem to be any meaning in following after people...why follow others that are as lost as you?

When Jesus is the focus of your life, the direction you walk is usually the opposite way. The crowd follows the five minutes of fun, with a wide road that takes you to a confused 'Oz' where you might think some wizard can fix your problems, but it's just a big mess. No one knows what they're doing but no one wants to be told they can't do it. It's a merry-go-round...you never stop....round and round it spins with the flashing lights and loud music...but you only go in a circle.

Looking for God to lead you will mean walking on a different road...one that's a bit rockier to walk on because it's the road less traveled. This is the road where you have to learn to grow strong, or you'll fall down. People will shout for you to turn around, because that hard road disagrees with the direction they go in. Sometimes they'll make their way sound better & more fun...sometimes they'll pressure you in a way to embarrass you...and sometimes they just hurl insults. All of these things are meant and intended to make you fall, to make you discouraged, and to make you leave the road you're walking on.

It's not an easy road, by any means, but the Lord guides you on and encourages you to press forward so you'll reach the goal. The goal is to live with Him, to lead a life that gives Him glory and show others how to know Him so they can also have the peace & joy of knowing Jesus. And everyday that you walk on that road means you have to learn more so you can go farther. There will be struggles and frustrating things thrown in your face but you get stronger through each one because God is there to show you what to do.

Pretty soon, walking down that hard road becomes a passion for you...you're determined to reach that goal and live your life to the absolute fullest that it can get. Things that might've tempted you to turn away are no longer even attractive to you because the love you have for the Lord is stronger than a love for the world. Caring about the opinions or praise from people no longer matters, because you understand that the opinion of God is more important and giving praise to Him grows inside of you like a fire. Instead of people jumping around you to try and sway you to follow them, you show them a reason to follow God.

But many people are swayed into following the crowds....they've had the best there is, in Jesus. And yet they rebel against it and reject the precious gift He's given us so they can enjoy some meaningless moments of so called 'fun.' The kind of 'fun' that leaves you with no lasting joy, no peace in your heart, and nothing good at all to show for it. They trade it all for nothing that lasts.

I've met some amazing friends on this hard, but awesome road that I'm walking on....people that I try to give encouragement to as much as possible, and people that I would defend in a second. What a blessing, to walk in the same direction as so many people you love! Sometimes it seems like they're walking faster or slower, but you're all walking in the same direction, all with the same passion and determination to continue on.

There are times, however, when you can see some of these amazing people look away from the road and start to stumble as they walk. The glittery 'Oz' starts to seem attractive, and they start to slow down. Being a friend means seeing that danger and telling them to be careful, because you want to protect them from the disaster than can so easily rip them apart. Sometimes the friends listen and quickly check themselves to make sure they aren't being pulled away....while other times, they can become angry & resentful to you for saying anything at all. You have to understand it could go either way, but you have to make that choice in spite of it.

Would a real follower of God say the words He told them to say, even if it meant someone they loved might not like it? Would a real friend shout a warning, whether it was wanted or not, or would they be silent and let disaster come?

I decided to be obedient to the One I love the most, and that's the Lord. And I decided to love my friends so much that I was willing to potentially lose them. God showed me what was most important, and that in these circumstances...it's not about me. It's about Him. And even though I can't see what will happen from one day to the next...He knows, and He's going to carry me through it.

So I'm thanking the Lord for showing me some things I need to grow in, and how many ways He's already helped me to grow. I'm thankful for the honor of being called to walk on this hard road and the love He must have for me to want to so carefully teach me how to walk on it in strength. And I'm thankful for all the 'clovers' He's allowed me to see as I go forward. I am truly blessed.

"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
-Proverbs 27:6

"If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him!"
-Ecclesiastes 5:10

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in Him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and it's desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."
-1 John 2:15-17