Reflecting

I am absolutely, positively unsure of what’s going on inside of me right now. But I think the restlessness has returned yet again. Actually, I don’t think it ever left really....maybe subsided would be the proper term. For a time, anyway.

So I’ve started a new job and I’m ending my other job, quite a bit going on in a short amount of time. And yet while I’m at both, (neither of which are bad) I have no desire whatsoever of wanting to stay. I want to leave this place, this state, this country...and move on. I want to get on with the next season of my life and see what is finally around the corner from where I stand right now. It honestly feels like this waiting period has lasted so very long. The whole time-warp thing still comes to mind because I feel older and yet I don’t see the oldness staring back at me in the mirror so I wonder if I really could be that old.

Every time I’ve felt a stirring in my heart, we’ve left to go somewhere new. I never know where exactly that will be but it’s usually a pretty drastic change. So I guess I should continue to try and be prepared for anything. I only hope that this next departure to wherever actually ends up being to the destination that’s been grafted onto my heart.

It’s interesting to me how much the Lord teaches you without you fully grasping it, until a while later when the light turns on in your head and you finally ‘get’ it. I think before each transition that we’ve gone through, we’ve been given a short time to look back at how far God has brought us and remember where we used to be. So we can think of all the things He’s taught us and how much we’ve changed. It’s amazing, really.....to think of where I was only a year or two ago, and then to see where I am at this moment. It’s a miracle.

In the old testament, when you read in Genesis and Exodus..and throughout the Bible, really, of how the Israelites witnessed so many miracles and yet they seemed to forget them from one day to the next, you think they must have been ridiculous because how can a person possibly forget such awesome miracles? But I understand how in our humanness, we are so forgetful. It’s pretty bizarre how much we forget, really. I’ve had to write things down because I know that even though it’s a huge thing to me today, I may not remember it tomorrow....and it quickly get’s shoved under more of the everyday moments of life that just pile up. With all of those things that I’ve personally done, I am not so quick to point my finger at the Israelites anymore. It doesn’t mean that it’s a good thing, but it does mean that the Lord is teaching me how unqualified I am at judging and how much I need to change to become who He wants me to be.

I’m so thankful that in all these changes and crazy things I’ve gone through, God is leading me and guiding me to walk with Him. It’s an ever-winding road that can get me confused when I look down at the ground instead of looking at the Lord, but I’m praying constantly that He will continue to be patient with me and help me to keep going....never forgetting how far He’s brought me to reach this point.