In The Bottle

There have been numerous things that I can honestly say were extremely difficult times in my life. I can't even remember or begin to try and count how many situations the Lord brought me through, they just go on and on. But I think, at this very moment, I am facing one of the hardest ones I have ever encountered.

I feel things deeply, it's the way I am. So when I care about people, I truly care about them and would honestly do anything I could for them. When I'm upset about something or someone, it upsets me enough to get to the point of feeling ill because I'm so completely distraught. This is one reason why I'm careful with my heart, I'm cautious with who I bring into my close circle of what I consider to be the 'Friends & Family Zone.' And it's good to be guarded with your heart so you aren't allowing people who could easily drag you down to be influencing your life. But you also can't be afraid of people because they could possibly hurt you.

As much as I've tried and tried to be so very careful with my heart, I think it's broken so badly right now that I'm sure it looks like a mangled mess. I don't know why people do the things they do or act the way they act, obviously I don't know what goes on in the heart of a person. But I sometimes wish the Lord would allow them to see how the choices they make don't just affect themselves. They affect everyone. It's a ripple in the water that creates a monsoon somewhere far off that you can't see in the distance, colliding into people with a thunderous crash and wiping away all remnants of who you were, or who they thought you to be. You can try to run from it all you want but it will still come to sweep you away.

Everyone makes mistakes, we're all human, and I'm no different. But it's in that time, after you've fouled up and understand that what you did was wrong...that's when you have another choice; the choice to allow this mistake to sweep you away in this destructive monsoon so that you'll never recover, but fall away even more into a hopeless state. Or...the choice to go to God. He's already seen the mistake, He knows what's in our hearts and what we're made of. And yet, He continues to love us. Why this choice seems to be the harder of the two, I don't know, but I'm guilty of it myself. You become so hardened with guilt that you want to try to run from the Lord, as if we could ever do that. But there He is, calling for us and waiting for us to come to Him and surrender it so He can forgive us and change us.

I'm reminded of the time in the Bible when King David had made the mistake of going after Bathsheba. He knew it was wrong and yet he still did it, someone who was supposed to know God and live for Him. He repented for what He'd done and was forgiven for what he did, which is awesome when you read of how the Lord can change someone's life when they surrender to Him. I'm amazed of how much the Lord loves us, how he can see us for all that we really are...all the mistakes we make and yet still want for us to be close to Him.

Right now, I feel like I'm observing everything from inside that tiny little bottle that Alice floated around in....wondering where the water will go and where the Lord will take me. My heart aches so much from hurts that I think I've given Alice a run for her money in the tears department. She made a measley little river and I honestly think I've made an ocean big enough to swallow a continent. I guess there's a drastic flipside to the bottle analogy...some could try to drown their sorrows in a bottle, which just can't give you any peace. And others could feel like they're floating on top of the sea of sorrows, while hoping desperately to find some dry ground to set their feet firmly on. Either way, the only answer to these problems is Jesus. He's where we'll find rest.

I'm a bit all over the place in this particular post, I know, but there were so many crazy things to touch on that I didn't know where to begin. I feel like I offered out my heart, only to have it ripped into tiny pieces and left on the ground for me to stare down at and wonder if I'll ever be able to gather up every little shred. But I know I can't. I can't do that and I can't heal myself. I can't change someone else's choices or make everything disappear. I have to look at God and pray that He will heal me. He's done it before and I know that He can do it again. He can take all my pieces and put them together to make something new.

And even though I may feel scarred, beat up, kicked down, and disregarded by someone...I'm so very thankful that God loves me. Sometimes I feel alone, but I'm not. He never leaves me and He never stops loving me. Even my mangled up mess of a self that's floating cluelessly down a sea of sorrows.

Windy Woes & Wonders

Another season is changing...spring is finally coming to shove winter aside and let us feel the lovely rays of the sun. I'm very excited about the warmness covering our part of the world again:) But ofcourse that means it brings something else with it.....change.

I don't know what it is about the changing of the seasons, it's something that completely fascinates me because I recognize it coming even before the weather actually morphs into something different...you feel a desire to do something new, go somewhere new, or just be somewhere else in your life period. I talk about if often because it's an ever-constant thing...just like the changing of the seasons throughout the year, you keep changing as a person.

I also love watching what happens with the birds when it gets warm outside. They always look like they're enjoying every minute of flying around in the sky. I'm sure I would too though, flying would be an amazing adventure! You could zip to any destination that you wanted, without all the trouble. I can't even imagine how awesome that would be, well, maybe I could in a small way..

Just think about it! There would be no need for airplanes, which would mean there would be no depleting of your savings to buy a ticket, no sitting next to a horribly obnoxious person on a plane, and no surrendering your shoelaces before you even get to the plane because there was supposedly a secret way of creating a nuclear detonator with those laces. Deadly laces..But seriously, the level of fantasticness would be ridiculously high. (And fantasticness is a word, it's new.) I'm just saying, I think I could enjoy the whole flying around thing:]

I guess there's always the downsides to that though...I'm sure you're wondering what they could possibly be, but really, there are some pretty solid setbacks.

First of all, the hair issue. Now for guys with no hair, this would not be an issue but for the rest of the population, this could be a serious situation. I can't really envision how bad I would look with that much time blown by the wind, but considering the fact that I look like Cousin It in a tornado when the wind blows me on the ground, I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume it could get ugly.

Secondly, bugs. I'm sorry but I really think the whole 'bugs in the teeth' look just wouldn't become me. Plus I would be grossed out, and innocent bystanders would be grossed out...I mean, you're talkin just one all around grossed out situation.

And lastly, the stupid thing. What's the stupid thing? People. If people can't drive in a big vehicle and get along or around each other, I don't even know what would happen with them whizzing all over the place. We'd have people plummeling into the ocean left and right.

So there you go, the fantastic dream of being able to fly anywhere alongside the realities of how badly it could be were it an actual reality. On one hand you could either fly off to Neverland with Peter Pan, and on the other, you could look like a big-haired, wind-burnt, bug-squashed mess that's plummels into the sea. The Peter Pan dream sounds way cooler to me personally. Oh the dreams we dream..

But all that to say, this new season is bringing more changes...the sun is coming out, the flowers are starting to bloom, the birds are flying to the clouds, and the winds are calling for us to move. I wonder what will happen next..