There have been numerous things that I can honestly say were extremely difficult times in my life. I can't even remember or begin to try and count how many situations the Lord brought me through, they just go on and on. But I think, at this very moment, I am facing one of the hardest ones I have ever encountered.
I feel things deeply, it's the way I am. So when I care about people, I truly care about them and would honestly do anything I could for them. When I'm upset about something or someone, it upsets me enough to get to the point of feeling ill because I'm so completely distraught. This is one reason why I'm careful with my heart, I'm cautious with who I bring into my close circle of what I consider to be the 'Friends & Family Zone.' And it's good to be guarded with your heart so you aren't allowing people who could easily drag you down to be influencing your life. But you also can't be afraid of people because they could possibly hurt you.
As much as I've tried and tried to be so very careful with my heart, I think it's broken so badly right now that I'm sure it looks like a mangled mess. I don't know why people do the things they do or act the way they act, obviously I don't know what goes on in the heart of a person. But I sometimes wish the Lord would allow them to see how the choices they make don't just affect themselves. They affect everyone. It's a ripple in the water that creates a monsoon somewhere far off that you can't see in the distance, colliding into people with a thunderous crash and wiping away all remnants of who you were, or who they thought you to be. You can try to run from it all you want but it will still come to sweep you away.
Everyone makes mistakes, we're all human, and I'm no different. But it's in that time, after you've fouled up and understand that what you did was wrong...that's when you have another choice; the choice to allow this mistake to sweep you away in this destructive monsoon so that you'll never recover, but fall away even more into a hopeless state. Or...the choice to go to God. He's already seen the mistake, He knows what's in our hearts and what we're made of. And yet, He continues to love us. Why this choice seems to be the harder of the two, I don't know, but I'm guilty of it myself. You become so hardened with guilt that you want to try to run from the Lord, as if we could ever do that. But there He is, calling for us and waiting for us to come to Him and surrender it so He can forgive us and change us.
I'm reminded of the time in the Bible when King David had made the mistake of going after Bathsheba. He knew it was wrong and yet he still did it, someone who was supposed to know God and live for Him. He repented for what He'd done and was forgiven for what he did, which is awesome when you read of how the Lord can change someone's life when they surrender to Him. I'm amazed of how much the Lord loves us, how he can see us for all that we really are...all the mistakes we make and yet still want for us to be close to Him.
Right now, I feel like I'm observing everything from inside that tiny little bottle that Alice floated around in....wondering where the water will go and where the Lord will take me. My heart aches so much from hurts that I think I've given Alice a run for her money in the tears department. She made a measley little river and I honestly think I've made an ocean big enough to swallow a continent. I guess there's a drastic flipside to the bottle analogy...some could try to drown their sorrows in a bottle, which just can't give you any peace. And others could feel like they're floating on top of the sea of sorrows, while hoping desperately to find some dry ground to set their feet firmly on. Either way, the only answer to these problems is Jesus. He's where we'll find rest.
I'm a bit all over the place in this particular post, I know, but there were so many crazy things to touch on that I didn't know where to begin. I feel like I offered out my heart, only to have it ripped into tiny pieces and left on the ground for me to stare down at and wonder if I'll ever be able to gather up every little shred. But I know I can't. I can't do that and I can't heal myself. I can't change someone else's choices or make everything disappear. I have to look at God and pray that He will heal me. He's done it before and I know that He can do it again. He can take all my pieces and put them together to make something new.
And even though I may feel scarred, beat up, kicked down, and disregarded by someone...I'm so very thankful that God loves me. Sometimes I feel alone, but I'm not. He never leaves me and He never stops loving me. Even my mangled up mess of a self that's floating cluelessly down a sea of sorrows.
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