Mosaic Heart

It's been a good deal of time since I've given a few words about my land of wonder...so I guess I shall add something new, so you can wonder with me as well.

There is a bit of confusion in my mind of a certain occurrence that seems to happen quite frequently....friends becoming unfriendly. People change in life and they grow or shrink in maturity, it's a fact. But I wonder how someone you fought alongside with in the war of the worlds, can become the one you fight against. How do you change sides without the slightest conviction? Is it really that easy to do? I always assumed not, but I am beginning to think otherwise.

If you know someone as well as you thought you knew them, then why doubt that knowledge to believe in things that are untrue? Perhaps it's not simply to reject a friend...perhaps it's more to reject any reminder of what is right and what is wrong. If you know someone will not blindly follow after the crowd, but you're all too eager to do so...maybe removing the person that speaks truth will somehow eliminate any feelings of conviction.

I think it tragic to exchange someone's love for you with carelessness & scorn. But I guess going to bed feeling like your poor lifestyle choices are justified is worth it in the end, right? As long as there is no remorse, then crushing someone's heart is completely worth it, I'm sure. At least, this is what I'm assuming must be the mentality, considering it's done so often.

This isn't a post to spout off a victimized letter of 'who done it' or a 'woe is me' rant to paint myself as innocent. It's just to do what I normally do...sort out some thoughts on a blog that is appropriately labeled as Wonderland, which is exactly what I mirror my crazytown of a life alongside.

I know that people make mistakes, and I've made a good number of them myself. But I also value people, especially those that I hold dear. I try to be honest to their faces & guardians to their backs. But it's not always reciprocated. Sometimes it is for a season, and then it fades. Other times, the honesty isn't appreciated and so the friendship doesn't stand through any trial. But I do try to be a good friend. It's just hurtful to be the only friend in the fight. I can't be the only one initiating contact or giving encouragement. Relationships are not one way back alley streets, they are busy interstates that go on forever. You have to build on them and repair potholes, give them constant maintenance & improvements while making room for expansion.

I don't know why there is so much hurt in my life. I know that the Lord teaches me new things through the hurts & that He heals my heart from them. But I just couldn't tell you while I stand in the middle of the trees, where the forest lays. I can't understand right now why I have to go through these things, but I know that once the Lord get's me through them, I'll be able to look back and finally see.

Many people can understand what it feels like to say you've felt broken, or that your heart's been broken. Our hearts are curious things, brilliantly made to beat inside us and feel emotions that are vastly different...but somehow they must be so fragile, because they can hurt so easily.

I used to think that my heart was so broken in the past that there was no way I would ever feel hurt again, but obviously I was wrong. But I do think that by the time I finally move on from here, I'm not going to have much left of it in one piece. As of this moment, my heart looks awfully shattered on the ground. There they are.....millions of little pieces, glittering with joy & love....all staring back to me in shreds. My heart isn't one big piece any more, but I'm thankful that God can take my pieces and make something that He loves out of it.


"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
-Psalm 147:3