I made a recent discovery that I thought was very interesting, while also unsettling....an observance about my own way of thinking. Though observing your own thoughts seems to sound even more unsettling now that I write it...maybe that should be more of a concern....but I'll proceed anyhow. Because randomness will happen either way, so here goes..
After having a bit of a tiring and busy week recently, I was really dealing with some discouragement and anxiety. It was a pile up of many different things that caused me to feel strung out, which really makes you more susceptible to discouragement. But it felt like it hit harder with an addition of frustration from other situations. All that to say, here is my discovery:
I have found an analogy that encompasses most of the turmoil that goes on in my noggin.....meet the Misters; I have a Mr. Imagination and a Mr. Logic.
When I have odd miscommunications with people or a strange occurrence arises (which obviously is pretty often in Wonderland) I tend to have swirling arguments inside my mind about it. On the one hand, I've got Mr. Logic, who seems to be well aware of the reasonable and sensible excuse for it. Everything is fine in Logicland because I know things are not that big a deal and molehills really are just molehills.
On the other hand though, is Mr. Imagination, who is quite an adventurer. While Mr. Logic takes a seat on a rather nice bench at the bottom of a mountain view, pausing to peacefully take in the serenity of the scene....Mr. Imagination has grabbed a dirtbike and hit the gas so hard that dirt flies into the face of Mr. Logic. Yes, he's a gonner....flying through the air with suspicions of drama, popping wheelies of despair over the possibility of hurts, and doing backflips with feelings of sorrow. I told you he was quite the adventurer. Never stays still for a moment, that one.
And while there are plenty of times where people really are oddballs and considerably rude in nature, there are also plenty of times where things are not always as they seem. I just need to learn to slow Mr. Imagination down and deflate his bmx tires. The dude is outta control. Or maybe he's IN control, and that's the problem. Either way, there's an inner turmoil that happens when I allow my mind to swirl here and there, thinking the worst instead of praying for the best. And it hurts myself more than anything else.
And of course, as it turns out...Mr. Logic is very soft spoken, while Mr. Imagination happens to be well trained in the use of his diaphragm. Isn't that how it always is? *Sigh* Yes, this is an unfun situation indeed, for the two Misters do not get along at all. And they aren't even as amusing as the two hecklers from the muppets. Tragic.
But I think it's a good thing to learn about myself, and hopefully I'm not the only one with the two Misters War. Because if it turned out to be something like that, I'd be in serious trouble....though I'm going to choose to refrain from allowing Mr. Imagination to attempt to compete in the Winter X Games and not proceed any further with the possible nuthouse scenarios..But just know that he's extremely eager to take flight lessons with that one.
Anyway, I'm going to try very hard not to allow Mr. Imagination to go skydiving whenever a situation that I don't understand comes in my line of view. Obviously, I'll try to steer him into staying in the writing business....but it shall be a daunting task, to be sure.
Alright Mr. Logic, I'm going to sit on this here bench with you for as long as I can. But I'm going to need some serious prayer to stay because as it is, I'm a huge motorcycle fan...and Mr. Imagination drives a two-seater.
I'm praying for wisdom and peace, while the Lord continues to teach me to capture my thoughts and continue the course on this very long road:)
"We demolish arguments and pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
-2 Corinthians 10:5
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Novel Ideas
Today seems like it will be a lovely, yet humidity-filled day:) I'm all for the lovely part though, so no complaints. I'll gladly take it over being cold and stormy anyday, although I do enjoy a good thunderstorm here and there.
Yesterday I began another edit sweep-through of my biggest book. I'm hoping that it will make it easier to read & connect the dialog more than it's current state. I guess we'll have to see the end results. It's very difficult to find a good person to edit these kinds of things, seeing as to how it would really require someone who is not only skilled in doing it but also has a love for reading. But I'll just do the best I can at the moment and see what the Lord brings about.
I love using my free time to make things....whether it be writing a story, plucking out a tune, drawing a picture, or painting art...it makes me feel like I've used my time more constructively. And considering how easy it is to sit and veg out, sometimes it's a great battle to make yourself get up and do something.
I have a list made of all the books I would like to write. I don't know if I'll get to them all, but there it is just in case I do. Of course, I know that I don't have any profound skills in the area of writing, but I don't mind taking a swing at it and seeing what turns up. It doesn't have to be the most eloquent or perfectly written material, I'm just thankful for the outlet to get some ideas out of my noggin.
Yesterday, I tried to do a search for more material on the subject of editing, because I would love to learn more about it and try to polish my writing more. Turns out everyone is an expert and everyone would gladly give you some help....for a hefty some of money that could rival the amount of a mortgage loan on your house. Isn't that so generous? I thought so too. Such givers. It's a wonder there's any dreams that don't bloom into reality when you have such generous souls dwelling among us.
Oh well, it doesn't make things impossible. It just makes them a bit trickier to maneuver around, and much more appreciated if they do come about. And with such a peace, knowing that God is in control even when I think life is drunk with discouragement, I can keep trying because I know there's a reason for it. It's not a waste of time and it's not stupid, no matter how many "No's" I hear in the process.
So hear goes another effort in the swirling world of storytelling.....
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
-Phillipians 4:13
Yesterday I began another edit sweep-through of my biggest book. I'm hoping that it will make it easier to read & connect the dialog more than it's current state. I guess we'll have to see the end results. It's very difficult to find a good person to edit these kinds of things, seeing as to how it would really require someone who is not only skilled in doing it but also has a love for reading. But I'll just do the best I can at the moment and see what the Lord brings about.
I love using my free time to make things....whether it be writing a story, plucking out a tune, drawing a picture, or painting art...it makes me feel like I've used my time more constructively. And considering how easy it is to sit and veg out, sometimes it's a great battle to make yourself get up and do something.
I have a list made of all the books I would like to write. I don't know if I'll get to them all, but there it is just in case I do. Of course, I know that I don't have any profound skills in the area of writing, but I don't mind taking a swing at it and seeing what turns up. It doesn't have to be the most eloquent or perfectly written material, I'm just thankful for the outlet to get some ideas out of my noggin.
Yesterday, I tried to do a search for more material on the subject of editing, because I would love to learn more about it and try to polish my writing more. Turns out everyone is an expert and everyone would gladly give you some help....for a hefty some of money that could rival the amount of a mortgage loan on your house. Isn't that so generous? I thought so too. Such givers. It's a wonder there's any dreams that don't bloom into reality when you have such generous souls dwelling among us.
Oh well, it doesn't make things impossible. It just makes them a bit trickier to maneuver around, and much more appreciated if they do come about. And with such a peace, knowing that God is in control even when I think life is drunk with discouragement, I can keep trying because I know there's a reason for it. It's not a waste of time and it's not stupid, no matter how many "No's" I hear in the process.
So hear goes another effort in the swirling world of storytelling.....
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
-Phillipians 4:13
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Mosaic Heart
It's been a good deal of time since I've given a few words about my land of wonder...so I guess I shall add something new, so you can wonder with me as well.
There is a bit of confusion in my mind of a certain occurrence that seems to happen quite frequently....friends becoming unfriendly. People change in life and they grow or shrink in maturity, it's a fact. But I wonder how someone you fought alongside with in the war of the worlds, can become the one you fight against. How do you change sides without the slightest conviction? Is it really that easy to do? I always assumed not, but I am beginning to think otherwise.
If you know someone as well as you thought you knew them, then why doubt that knowledge to believe in things that are untrue? Perhaps it's not simply to reject a friend...perhaps it's more to reject any reminder of what is right and what is wrong. If you know someone will not blindly follow after the crowd, but you're all too eager to do so...maybe removing the person that speaks truth will somehow eliminate any feelings of conviction.
I think it tragic to exchange someone's love for you with carelessness & scorn. But I guess going to bed feeling like your poor lifestyle choices are justified is worth it in the end, right? As long as there is no remorse, then crushing someone's heart is completely worth it, I'm sure. At least, this is what I'm assuming must be the mentality, considering it's done so often.
This isn't a post to spout off a victimized letter of 'who done it' or a 'woe is me' rant to paint myself as innocent. It's just to do what I normally do...sort out some thoughts on a blog that is appropriately labeled as Wonderland, which is exactly what I mirror my crazytown of a life alongside.
I know that people make mistakes, and I've made a good number of them myself. But I also value people, especially those that I hold dear. I try to be honest to their faces & guardians to their backs. But it's not always reciprocated. Sometimes it is for a season, and then it fades. Other times, the honesty isn't appreciated and so the friendship doesn't stand through any trial. But I do try to be a good friend. It's just hurtful to be the only friend in the fight. I can't be the only one initiating contact or giving encouragement. Relationships are not one way back alley streets, they are busy interstates that go on forever. You have to build on them and repair potholes, give them constant maintenance & improvements while making room for expansion.
I don't know why there is so much hurt in my life. I know that the Lord teaches me new things through the hurts & that He heals my heart from them. But I just couldn't tell you while I stand in the middle of the trees, where the forest lays. I can't understand right now why I have to go through these things, but I know that once the Lord get's me through them, I'll be able to look back and finally see.
Many people can understand what it feels like to say you've felt broken, or that your heart's been broken. Our hearts are curious things, brilliantly made to beat inside us and feel emotions that are vastly different...but somehow they must be so fragile, because they can hurt so easily.
I used to think that my heart was so broken in the past that there was no way I would ever feel hurt again, but obviously I was wrong. But I do think that by the time I finally move on from here, I'm not going to have much left of it in one piece. As of this moment, my heart looks awfully shattered on the ground. There they are.....millions of little pieces, glittering with joy & love....all staring back to me in shreds. My heart isn't one big piece any more, but I'm thankful that God can take my pieces and make something that He loves out of it.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
-Psalm 147:3
There is a bit of confusion in my mind of a certain occurrence that seems to happen quite frequently....friends becoming unfriendly. People change in life and they grow or shrink in maturity, it's a fact. But I wonder how someone you fought alongside with in the war of the worlds, can become the one you fight against. How do you change sides without the slightest conviction? Is it really that easy to do? I always assumed not, but I am beginning to think otherwise.
If you know someone as well as you thought you knew them, then why doubt that knowledge to believe in things that are untrue? Perhaps it's not simply to reject a friend...perhaps it's more to reject any reminder of what is right and what is wrong. If you know someone will not blindly follow after the crowd, but you're all too eager to do so...maybe removing the person that speaks truth will somehow eliminate any feelings of conviction.
I think it tragic to exchange someone's love for you with carelessness & scorn. But I guess going to bed feeling like your poor lifestyle choices are justified is worth it in the end, right? As long as there is no remorse, then crushing someone's heart is completely worth it, I'm sure. At least, this is what I'm assuming must be the mentality, considering it's done so often.
This isn't a post to spout off a victimized letter of 'who done it' or a 'woe is me' rant to paint myself as innocent. It's just to do what I normally do...sort out some thoughts on a blog that is appropriately labeled as Wonderland, which is exactly what I mirror my crazytown of a life alongside.
I know that people make mistakes, and I've made a good number of them myself. But I also value people, especially those that I hold dear. I try to be honest to their faces & guardians to their backs. But it's not always reciprocated. Sometimes it is for a season, and then it fades. Other times, the honesty isn't appreciated and so the friendship doesn't stand through any trial. But I do try to be a good friend. It's just hurtful to be the only friend in the fight. I can't be the only one initiating contact or giving encouragement. Relationships are not one way back alley streets, they are busy interstates that go on forever. You have to build on them and repair potholes, give them constant maintenance & improvements while making room for expansion.
I don't know why there is so much hurt in my life. I know that the Lord teaches me new things through the hurts & that He heals my heart from them. But I just couldn't tell you while I stand in the middle of the trees, where the forest lays. I can't understand right now why I have to go through these things, but I know that once the Lord get's me through them, I'll be able to look back and finally see.
Many people can understand what it feels like to say you've felt broken, or that your heart's been broken. Our hearts are curious things, brilliantly made to beat inside us and feel emotions that are vastly different...but somehow they must be so fragile, because they can hurt so easily.
I used to think that my heart was so broken in the past that there was no way I would ever feel hurt again, but obviously I was wrong. But I do think that by the time I finally move on from here, I'm not going to have much left of it in one piece. As of this moment, my heart looks awfully shattered on the ground. There they are.....millions of little pieces, glittering with joy & love....all staring back to me in shreds. My heart isn't one big piece any more, but I'm thankful that God can take my pieces and make something that He loves out of it.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
-Psalm 34:18
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
-Psalm 147:3
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Clovers
While I was exploring different parts of Ireland, I came across this saying that I thought was so sweet..."A friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find but lucky to have." It most likely seems corny and geared towards getting the tourists to buy something shiny, but I still liked it. It comes to mind at this moment, while I sort through my swirling thoughts about where I am right now...
I've been through quite a few struggles, most of which, I don't even write about because they seem to be endless. But in each struggle, the Lord has taken my hand and guided me through it, step by step, so that I can learn from them and grow. When you have to deal with frequent circumstances where people leave you or let you down, you become distrustful and leary of being close to anybody because you want to protect your heart from hurting more. I'm thankful to say, God has given me some dear friends in a short amount of time that I've treasured greatly.
I know that they will never understand how much I value them, how much I have been blessed to share some time and get to know them. It's something I can't fully put to words because it's hard to express all that you feel inside. It's hard to show someone your life in full span -where they can see the absolute anguish people made you feel with their acts of cruelty or simple lack of compassion. And it's hard to let people know how much you safeguard the inner circle around you because you are so very particular about who you allow to know you well. I've tried to say it as best I can but I still don't think I do all that great of a job:p
The years that I've seen so many people act carelessly have made me somewhat of a loner, I would usually like to do things by myself or with only family members because I live differently than what some would classify as 'normal.' It doesn't bother me to be different, in fact, I don't like fitting in with the crowd or blending in with the scenery. There just doesn't seem to be any meaning in following after people...why follow others that are as lost as you?
When Jesus is the focus of your life, the direction you walk is usually the opposite way. The crowd follows the five minutes of fun, with a wide road that takes you to a confused 'Oz' where you might think some wizard can fix your problems, but it's just a big mess. No one knows what they're doing but no one wants to be told they can't do it. It's a merry-go-round...you never stop....round and round it spins with the flashing lights and loud music...but you only go in a circle.
Looking for God to lead you will mean walking on a different road...one that's a bit rockier to walk on because it's the road less traveled. This is the road where you have to learn to grow strong, or you'll fall down. People will shout for you to turn around, because that hard road disagrees with the direction they go in. Sometimes they'll make their way sound better & more fun...sometimes they'll pressure you in a way to embarrass you...and sometimes they just hurl insults. All of these things are meant and intended to make you fall, to make you discouraged, and to make you leave the road you're walking on.
It's not an easy road, by any means, but the Lord guides you on and encourages you to press forward so you'll reach the goal. The goal is to live with Him, to lead a life that gives Him glory and show others how to know Him so they can also have the peace & joy of knowing Jesus. And everyday that you walk on that road means you have to learn more so you can go farther. There will be struggles and frustrating things thrown in your face but you get stronger through each one because God is there to show you what to do.
Pretty soon, walking down that hard road becomes a passion for you...you're determined to reach that goal and live your life to the absolute fullest that it can get. Things that might've tempted you to turn away are no longer even attractive to you because the love you have for the Lord is stronger than a love for the world. Caring about the opinions or praise from people no longer matters, because you understand that the opinion of God is more important and giving praise to Him grows inside of you like a fire. Instead of people jumping around you to try and sway you to follow them, you show them a reason to follow God.
But many people are swayed into following the crowds....they've had the best there is, in Jesus. And yet they rebel against it and reject the precious gift He's given us so they can enjoy some meaningless moments of so called 'fun.' The kind of 'fun' that leaves you with no lasting joy, no peace in your heart, and nothing good at all to show for it. They trade it all for nothing that lasts.
I've met some amazing friends on this hard, but awesome road that I'm walking on....people that I try to give encouragement to as much as possible, and people that I would defend in a second. What a blessing, to walk in the same direction as so many people you love! Sometimes it seems like they're walking faster or slower, but you're all walking in the same direction, all with the same passion and determination to continue on.
There are times, however, when you can see some of these amazing people look away from the road and start to stumble as they walk. The glittery 'Oz' starts to seem attractive, and they start to slow down. Being a friend means seeing that danger and telling them to be careful, because you want to protect them from the disaster than can so easily rip them apart. Sometimes the friends listen and quickly check themselves to make sure they aren't being pulled away....while other times, they can become angry & resentful to you for saying anything at all. You have to understand it could go either way, but you have to make that choice in spite of it.
Would a real follower of God say the words He told them to say, even if it meant someone they loved might not like it? Would a real friend shout a warning, whether it was wanted or not, or would they be silent and let disaster come?
I decided to be obedient to the One I love the most, and that's the Lord. And I decided to love my friends so much that I was willing to potentially lose them. God showed me what was most important, and that in these circumstances...it's not about me. It's about Him. And even though I can't see what will happen from one day to the next...He knows, and He's going to carry me through it.
So I'm thanking the Lord for showing me some things I need to grow in, and how many ways He's already helped me to grow. I'm thankful for the honor of being called to walk on this hard road and the love He must have for me to want to so carefully teach me how to walk on it in strength. And I'm thankful for all the 'clovers' He's allowed me to see as I go forward. I am truly blessed.
"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
-Proverbs 27:6
"If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him!"
-Ecclesiastes 5:10
"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in Him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and it's desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."
-1 John 2:15-17
I've been through quite a few struggles, most of which, I don't even write about because they seem to be endless. But in each struggle, the Lord has taken my hand and guided me through it, step by step, so that I can learn from them and grow. When you have to deal with frequent circumstances where people leave you or let you down, you become distrustful and leary of being close to anybody because you want to protect your heart from hurting more. I'm thankful to say, God has given me some dear friends in a short amount of time that I've treasured greatly.
I know that they will never understand how much I value them, how much I have been blessed to share some time and get to know them. It's something I can't fully put to words because it's hard to express all that you feel inside. It's hard to show someone your life in full span -where they can see the absolute anguish people made you feel with their acts of cruelty or simple lack of compassion. And it's hard to let people know how much you safeguard the inner circle around you because you are so very particular about who you allow to know you well. I've tried to say it as best I can but I still don't think I do all that great of a job:p
The years that I've seen so many people act carelessly have made me somewhat of a loner, I would usually like to do things by myself or with only family members because I live differently than what some would classify as 'normal.' It doesn't bother me to be different, in fact, I don't like fitting in with the crowd or blending in with the scenery. There just doesn't seem to be any meaning in following after people...why follow others that are as lost as you?
When Jesus is the focus of your life, the direction you walk is usually the opposite way. The crowd follows the five minutes of fun, with a wide road that takes you to a confused 'Oz' where you might think some wizard can fix your problems, but it's just a big mess. No one knows what they're doing but no one wants to be told they can't do it. It's a merry-go-round...you never stop....round and round it spins with the flashing lights and loud music...but you only go in a circle.
Looking for God to lead you will mean walking on a different road...one that's a bit rockier to walk on because it's the road less traveled. This is the road where you have to learn to grow strong, or you'll fall down. People will shout for you to turn around, because that hard road disagrees with the direction they go in. Sometimes they'll make their way sound better & more fun...sometimes they'll pressure you in a way to embarrass you...and sometimes they just hurl insults. All of these things are meant and intended to make you fall, to make you discouraged, and to make you leave the road you're walking on.
It's not an easy road, by any means, but the Lord guides you on and encourages you to press forward so you'll reach the goal. The goal is to live with Him, to lead a life that gives Him glory and show others how to know Him so they can also have the peace & joy of knowing Jesus. And everyday that you walk on that road means you have to learn more so you can go farther. There will be struggles and frustrating things thrown in your face but you get stronger through each one because God is there to show you what to do.
Pretty soon, walking down that hard road becomes a passion for you...you're determined to reach that goal and live your life to the absolute fullest that it can get. Things that might've tempted you to turn away are no longer even attractive to you because the love you have for the Lord is stronger than a love for the world. Caring about the opinions or praise from people no longer matters, because you understand that the opinion of God is more important and giving praise to Him grows inside of you like a fire. Instead of people jumping around you to try and sway you to follow them, you show them a reason to follow God.
But many people are swayed into following the crowds....they've had the best there is, in Jesus. And yet they rebel against it and reject the precious gift He's given us so they can enjoy some meaningless moments of so called 'fun.' The kind of 'fun' that leaves you with no lasting joy, no peace in your heart, and nothing good at all to show for it. They trade it all for nothing that lasts.
I've met some amazing friends on this hard, but awesome road that I'm walking on....people that I try to give encouragement to as much as possible, and people that I would defend in a second. What a blessing, to walk in the same direction as so many people you love! Sometimes it seems like they're walking faster or slower, but you're all walking in the same direction, all with the same passion and determination to continue on.
There are times, however, when you can see some of these amazing people look away from the road and start to stumble as they walk. The glittery 'Oz' starts to seem attractive, and they start to slow down. Being a friend means seeing that danger and telling them to be careful, because you want to protect them from the disaster than can so easily rip them apart. Sometimes the friends listen and quickly check themselves to make sure they aren't being pulled away....while other times, they can become angry & resentful to you for saying anything at all. You have to understand it could go either way, but you have to make that choice in spite of it.
Would a real follower of God say the words He told them to say, even if it meant someone they loved might not like it? Would a real friend shout a warning, whether it was wanted or not, or would they be silent and let disaster come?
I decided to be obedient to the One I love the most, and that's the Lord. And I decided to love my friends so much that I was willing to potentially lose them. God showed me what was most important, and that in these circumstances...it's not about me. It's about Him. And even though I can't see what will happen from one day to the next...He knows, and He's going to carry me through it.
So I'm thanking the Lord for showing me some things I need to grow in, and how many ways He's already helped me to grow. I'm thankful for the honor of being called to walk on this hard road and the love He must have for me to want to so carefully teach me how to walk on it in strength. And I'm thankful for all the 'clovers' He's allowed me to see as I go forward. I am truly blessed.
"Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
-Proverbs 27:6
"If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him!"
-Ecclesiastes 5:10
"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in Him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and it's desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."
-1 John 2:15-17
Monday, April 13, 2009
Ireland
Well today is going to be an adventurous day, because today I'm going to Ireland! I'm sure it will be very tiring and nerve-wracking with the whole process of actually getting there, but it doesn't matter..it's still amazing that I get to go there at all.
I'm not really sure what awaits us on this trip, other than finally getting to visit with my brother. And I'm really not sure why the Lord allowed a trip like this to fall in place when I wasn't truly thinking I would ever get to go there. But He knows what He's doing and why He's opening certain doors, while closing others. So I'll just let Him show me what the plan is in His time:)
It's been a pretty odd past few weeks, just uncertain of things around me and what's going to happen in the immediate future. Usually that happens right before the Lord moves us out, somewhere else to train and prepare for where we're actually headed. You would think that I'd be used to it by now, but no. It really never feels normal to have an uncertainty in where God will sweep you up and take you away. As often as it happens, I still get nervous and antsy about where we'll go.
I was thinking that maybe I should get a map to catalog the places we go and people we meet, could be interesting and a fun way to keep your memories handy. I don't know, we'll see if I can find something to do that with. Photo albums might work just as well:p
So in a few short minutes, I'm off to begin my journey to the place where the majority of my ancestors came from....wonder if I can find any nifty relatives that resemble us. How weird would that be? Weird...yet strangely fascinating..
Well here I go......to a new destination! What happens next will be yet another adventure...
I'm not really sure what awaits us on this trip, other than finally getting to visit with my brother. And I'm really not sure why the Lord allowed a trip like this to fall in place when I wasn't truly thinking I would ever get to go there. But He knows what He's doing and why He's opening certain doors, while closing others. So I'll just let Him show me what the plan is in His time:)
It's been a pretty odd past few weeks, just uncertain of things around me and what's going to happen in the immediate future. Usually that happens right before the Lord moves us out, somewhere else to train and prepare for where we're actually headed. You would think that I'd be used to it by now, but no. It really never feels normal to have an uncertainty in where God will sweep you up and take you away. As often as it happens, I still get nervous and antsy about where we'll go.
I was thinking that maybe I should get a map to catalog the places we go and people we meet, could be interesting and a fun way to keep your memories handy. I don't know, we'll see if I can find something to do that with. Photo albums might work just as well:p
So in a few short minutes, I'm off to begin my journey to the place where the majority of my ancestors came from....wonder if I can find any nifty relatives that resemble us. How weird would that be? Weird...yet strangely fascinating..
Well here I go......to a new destination! What happens next will be yet another adventure...
Sunday, March 29, 2009
In The Bottle
There have been numerous things that I can honestly say were extremely difficult times in my life. I can't even remember or begin to try and count how many situations the Lord brought me through, they just go on and on. But I think, at this very moment, I am facing one of the hardest ones I have ever encountered.
I feel things deeply, it's the way I am. So when I care about people, I truly care about them and would honestly do anything I could for them. When I'm upset about something or someone, it upsets me enough to get to the point of feeling ill because I'm so completely distraught. This is one reason why I'm careful with my heart, I'm cautious with who I bring into my close circle of what I consider to be the 'Friends & Family Zone.' And it's good to be guarded with your heart so you aren't allowing people who could easily drag you down to be influencing your life. But you also can't be afraid of people because they could possibly hurt you.
As much as I've tried and tried to be so very careful with my heart, I think it's broken so badly right now that I'm sure it looks like a mangled mess. I don't know why people do the things they do or act the way they act, obviously I don't know what goes on in the heart of a person. But I sometimes wish the Lord would allow them to see how the choices they make don't just affect themselves. They affect everyone. It's a ripple in the water that creates a monsoon somewhere far off that you can't see in the distance, colliding into people with a thunderous crash and wiping away all remnants of who you were, or who they thought you to be. You can try to run from it all you want but it will still come to sweep you away.
Everyone makes mistakes, we're all human, and I'm no different. But it's in that time, after you've fouled up and understand that what you did was wrong...that's when you have another choice; the choice to allow this mistake to sweep you away in this destructive monsoon so that you'll never recover, but fall away even more into a hopeless state. Or...the choice to go to God. He's already seen the mistake, He knows what's in our hearts and what we're made of. And yet, He continues to love us. Why this choice seems to be the harder of the two, I don't know, but I'm guilty of it myself. You become so hardened with guilt that you want to try to run from the Lord, as if we could ever do that. But there He is, calling for us and waiting for us to come to Him and surrender it so He can forgive us and change us.
I'm reminded of the time in the Bible when King David had made the mistake of going after Bathsheba. He knew it was wrong and yet he still did it, someone who was supposed to know God and live for Him. He repented for what He'd done and was forgiven for what he did, which is awesome when you read of how the Lord can change someone's life when they surrender to Him. I'm amazed of how much the Lord loves us, how he can see us for all that we really are...all the mistakes we make and yet still want for us to be close to Him.
Right now, I feel like I'm observing everything from inside that tiny little bottle that Alice floated around in....wondering where the water will go and where the Lord will take me. My heart aches so much from hurts that I think I've given Alice a run for her money in the tears department. She made a measley little river and I honestly think I've made an ocean big enough to swallow a continent. I guess there's a drastic flipside to the bottle analogy...some could try to drown their sorrows in a bottle, which just can't give you any peace. And others could feel like they're floating on top of the sea of sorrows, while hoping desperately to find some dry ground to set their feet firmly on. Either way, the only answer to these problems is Jesus. He's where we'll find rest.
I'm a bit all over the place in this particular post, I know, but there were so many crazy things to touch on that I didn't know where to begin. I feel like I offered out my heart, only to have it ripped into tiny pieces and left on the ground for me to stare down at and wonder if I'll ever be able to gather up every little shred. But I know I can't. I can't do that and I can't heal myself. I can't change someone else's choices or make everything disappear. I have to look at God and pray that He will heal me. He's done it before and I know that He can do it again. He can take all my pieces and put them together to make something new.
And even though I may feel scarred, beat up, kicked down, and disregarded by someone...I'm so very thankful that God loves me. Sometimes I feel alone, but I'm not. He never leaves me and He never stops loving me. Even my mangled up mess of a self that's floating cluelessly down a sea of sorrows.
I feel things deeply, it's the way I am. So when I care about people, I truly care about them and would honestly do anything I could for them. When I'm upset about something or someone, it upsets me enough to get to the point of feeling ill because I'm so completely distraught. This is one reason why I'm careful with my heart, I'm cautious with who I bring into my close circle of what I consider to be the 'Friends & Family Zone.' And it's good to be guarded with your heart so you aren't allowing people who could easily drag you down to be influencing your life. But you also can't be afraid of people because they could possibly hurt you.
As much as I've tried and tried to be so very careful with my heart, I think it's broken so badly right now that I'm sure it looks like a mangled mess. I don't know why people do the things they do or act the way they act, obviously I don't know what goes on in the heart of a person. But I sometimes wish the Lord would allow them to see how the choices they make don't just affect themselves. They affect everyone. It's a ripple in the water that creates a monsoon somewhere far off that you can't see in the distance, colliding into people with a thunderous crash and wiping away all remnants of who you were, or who they thought you to be. You can try to run from it all you want but it will still come to sweep you away.
Everyone makes mistakes, we're all human, and I'm no different. But it's in that time, after you've fouled up and understand that what you did was wrong...that's when you have another choice; the choice to allow this mistake to sweep you away in this destructive monsoon so that you'll never recover, but fall away even more into a hopeless state. Or...the choice to go to God. He's already seen the mistake, He knows what's in our hearts and what we're made of. And yet, He continues to love us. Why this choice seems to be the harder of the two, I don't know, but I'm guilty of it myself. You become so hardened with guilt that you want to try to run from the Lord, as if we could ever do that. But there He is, calling for us and waiting for us to come to Him and surrender it so He can forgive us and change us.
I'm reminded of the time in the Bible when King David had made the mistake of going after Bathsheba. He knew it was wrong and yet he still did it, someone who was supposed to know God and live for Him. He repented for what He'd done and was forgiven for what he did, which is awesome when you read of how the Lord can change someone's life when they surrender to Him. I'm amazed of how much the Lord loves us, how he can see us for all that we really are...all the mistakes we make and yet still want for us to be close to Him.
Right now, I feel like I'm observing everything from inside that tiny little bottle that Alice floated around in....wondering where the water will go and where the Lord will take me. My heart aches so much from hurts that I think I've given Alice a run for her money in the tears department. She made a measley little river and I honestly think I've made an ocean big enough to swallow a continent. I guess there's a drastic flipside to the bottle analogy...some could try to drown their sorrows in a bottle, which just can't give you any peace. And others could feel like they're floating on top of the sea of sorrows, while hoping desperately to find some dry ground to set their feet firmly on. Either way, the only answer to these problems is Jesus. He's where we'll find rest.
I'm a bit all over the place in this particular post, I know, but there were so many crazy things to touch on that I didn't know where to begin. I feel like I offered out my heart, only to have it ripped into tiny pieces and left on the ground for me to stare down at and wonder if I'll ever be able to gather up every little shred. But I know I can't. I can't do that and I can't heal myself. I can't change someone else's choices or make everything disappear. I have to look at God and pray that He will heal me. He's done it before and I know that He can do it again. He can take all my pieces and put them together to make something new.
And even though I may feel scarred, beat up, kicked down, and disregarded by someone...I'm so very thankful that God loves me. Sometimes I feel alone, but I'm not. He never leaves me and He never stops loving me. Even my mangled up mess of a self that's floating cluelessly down a sea of sorrows.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Windy Woes & Wonders
Another season is changing...spring is finally coming to shove winter aside and let us feel the lovely rays of the sun. I'm very excited about the warmness covering our part of the world again:) But ofcourse that means it brings something else with it.....change.
I don't know what it is about the changing of the seasons, it's something that completely fascinates me because I recognize it coming even before the weather actually morphs into something different...you feel a desire to do something new, go somewhere new, or just be somewhere else in your life period. I talk about if often because it's an ever-constant thing...just like the changing of the seasons throughout the year, you keep changing as a person.
I also love watching what happens with the birds when it gets warm outside. They always look like they're enjoying every minute of flying around in the sky. I'm sure I would too though, flying would be an amazing adventure! You could zip to any destination that you wanted, without all the trouble. I can't even imagine how awesome that would be, well, maybe I could in a small way..
Just think about it! There would be no need for airplanes, which would mean there would be no depleting of your savings to buy a ticket, no sitting next to a horribly obnoxious person on a plane, and no surrendering your shoelaces before you even get to the plane because there was supposedly a secret way of creating a nuclear detonator with those laces. Deadly laces..But seriously, the level of fantasticness would be ridiculously high. (And fantasticness is a word, it's new.) I'm just saying, I think I could enjoy the whole flying around thing:]
I guess there's always the downsides to that though...I'm sure you're wondering what they could possibly be, but really, there are some pretty solid setbacks.
First of all, the hair issue. Now for guys with no hair, this would not be an issue but for the rest of the population, this could be a serious situation. I can't really envision how bad I would look with that much time blown by the wind, but considering the fact that I look like Cousin It in a tornado when the wind blows me on the ground, I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume it could get ugly.
Secondly, bugs. I'm sorry but I really think the whole 'bugs in the teeth' look just wouldn't become me. Plus I would be grossed out, and innocent bystanders would be grossed out...I mean, you're talkin just one all around grossed out situation.
And lastly, the stupid thing. What's the stupid thing? People. If people can't drive in a big vehicle and get along or around each other, I don't even know what would happen with them whizzing all over the place. We'd have people plummeling into the ocean left and right.
So there you go, the fantastic dream of being able to fly anywhere alongside the realities of how badly it could be were it an actual reality. On one hand you could either fly off to Neverland with Peter Pan, and on the other, you could look like a big-haired, wind-burnt, bug-squashed mess that's plummels into the sea. The Peter Pan dream sounds way cooler to me personally. Oh the dreams we dream..
But all that to say, this new season is bringing more changes...the sun is coming out, the flowers are starting to bloom, the birds are flying to the clouds, and the winds are calling for us to move. I wonder what will happen next..
I don't know what it is about the changing of the seasons, it's something that completely fascinates me because I recognize it coming even before the weather actually morphs into something different...you feel a desire to do something new, go somewhere new, or just be somewhere else in your life period. I talk about if often because it's an ever-constant thing...just like the changing of the seasons throughout the year, you keep changing as a person.
I also love watching what happens with the birds when it gets warm outside. They always look like they're enjoying every minute of flying around in the sky. I'm sure I would too though, flying would be an amazing adventure! You could zip to any destination that you wanted, without all the trouble. I can't even imagine how awesome that would be, well, maybe I could in a small way..
Just think about it! There would be no need for airplanes, which would mean there would be no depleting of your savings to buy a ticket, no sitting next to a horribly obnoxious person on a plane, and no surrendering your shoelaces before you even get to the plane because there was supposedly a secret way of creating a nuclear detonator with those laces. Deadly laces..But seriously, the level of fantasticness would be ridiculously high. (And fantasticness is a word, it's new.) I'm just saying, I think I could enjoy the whole flying around thing:]
I guess there's always the downsides to that though...I'm sure you're wondering what they could possibly be, but really, there are some pretty solid setbacks.
First of all, the hair issue. Now for guys with no hair, this would not be an issue but for the rest of the population, this could be a serious situation. I can't really envision how bad I would look with that much time blown by the wind, but considering the fact that I look like Cousin It in a tornado when the wind blows me on the ground, I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume it could get ugly.
Secondly, bugs. I'm sorry but I really think the whole 'bugs in the teeth' look just wouldn't become me. Plus I would be grossed out, and innocent bystanders would be grossed out...I mean, you're talkin just one all around grossed out situation.
And lastly, the stupid thing. What's the stupid thing? People. If people can't drive in a big vehicle and get along or around each other, I don't even know what would happen with them whizzing all over the place. We'd have people plummeling into the ocean left and right.
So there you go, the fantastic dream of being able to fly anywhere alongside the realities of how badly it could be were it an actual reality. On one hand you could either fly off to Neverland with Peter Pan, and on the other, you could look like a big-haired, wind-burnt, bug-squashed mess that's plummels into the sea. The Peter Pan dream sounds way cooler to me personally. Oh the dreams we dream..
But all that to say, this new season is bringing more changes...the sun is coming out, the flowers are starting to bloom, the birds are flying to the clouds, and the winds are calling for us to move. I wonder what will happen next..
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